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How to Deal with Homework Frustration As a Parent

Last Updated: June 22, 2022

This article was co-authored by Trudi Griffin, LPC, MS . Trudi Griffin is a Licensed Professional Counselor in Wisconsin specializing in Addictions and Mental Health. She provides therapy to people who struggle with addictions, mental health, and trauma in community health settings and private practice. She received her MS in Clinical Mental Health Counseling from Marquette University in 2011. This article has been viewed 7,684 times.

When your child struggles with their homework, they may become frustrated or upset. In turn, this may cause them to act out, and you may wind up frustrated yourself. Fortunately, there are ways you can help your child calm down when they begin to become agitated. There are also strategies you can use to help them work through challenging assignments, and to help ensure homework sessions go more smoothly moving forward.

Overcoming Homework Frustration Together

• Instead of becoming frustrated yourself, try talking to your child calmly. Start with a brief, sympathetic statement. For instance, say “I’m sorry your homework is stressful today,” or “I know it can be frustrating when an assignment is hard to understand.”
• Then, let your child know that there is more than just one way to accomplish a task and that you will help them to find a way that will work for them. Say something like, “There is a way for you to get this done that will be less frustrating and I will help you figure it out.”

• Direct them to breathe in through their nose deeply and slowly for five seconds, and then release slowly through their mouth.
• If you do lose your temper and shout at your child, apologize to them and remind yourself they need your help.
• Once everyone is relaxed again, say something like, “Alright let’s have a look at this homework together.”

• Listen to your child's response and respond with a way they can handle a similar situation differently in the future.
• For instance, if they say, "I got mad because it was too hard," point out that they were able to complete the assignment, and had just gotten stuck on one problem. Then say, "Next time, you know you can always ask me or your teacher about parts of your assignment that don't make sense, right?"

• Furthermore, anticipate and accept the fact that you will likely have a verbal battle about homework at one point or another.
• If you find yourself getting frustrated when your child struggles with homework, take a moment afterwards to reflect. In particular, remind yourself that growing up involves plenty of challenges for children, and that your patient support will help them immeasurably. It is very important to work through challenges with your child rather than expecting them to figure it out on their own.

Helping Your Child Work on Their Homework

• If they are not clearly able to explain the assignment, look it over yourself and see if it makes sense to you.
• If you are able to understand the assignment, help them get started - but only enough to ensure they understand what they need to do. Then allow them to finish the assignment themselves.
• Talk with your child’s teachers about the assignments and encourage your child to talk to their teachers when they don’t understand something. Let your child know that their teachers are there to help them.

• For instance, correct your child when they something like, “You’re wrong!” by saying, “It’s okay to think that I’m wrong, but try saying it differently.”
• Offer them examples too, such as “Mom, I don’t think that’s how I’m supposed to do it.”
• If your child starts to berate themselves, then correct them. For example, if your child says something like, “I am so stupid! I am never going to understand this!” reframe it by saying, “You are smart and you can figure this out.”

• For instance, maybe a grandparent can help more peacefully.
• Alternatively, consider searching for an older student to help tutor your child after school. Your child’s school may be able to help facilitate this arrangement.

• If you think the homework your child is bringing home may be too challenging for them or for students their age, don't hesitate to mention this to their teacher.
• If your child's teacher is not receptive to your input or does not provide adequate responses to your questions, speak with an administrator at the school about any unresolved concerns you have.

Encouraging Good Homework Habits

• A half an hour will often be more than enough for grade school children, while an hour may be better for middle and high school aged kids.
• Early evening is usually ideal. Avoid asking your child to do their homework right after school, unless this works for them. Some kids do better with homework on an empty stomach, while others may need to eat a meal and wait a bit before they can focus.
• Make sure to give your child a chance to relax and decompress after school before they get into their homework. For example, you might make your child a snack and let them play a game or play outside for about 30 minutes to an hour before starting their homework.

• Avoid watching television or messing around on your phone while your child is working. Not only are these potentially distracting, they may also seem unfair to your child.
• Set up a workspace for your child that is free of distractions. For example, you could clear the kitchen or dining room table so that your child can complete their homework there.

• Favor language that praises their effort, as opposed to their ability. For instance, say things like, “I can see you’re working very hard on your homework. Good job!”

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• ↑ http://www.pbs.org/parents/education/going-to-school/supporting-your-learner/struggling-academically/
• ↑ http://www.greatschools.org/gk/articles/deal-with-homework/
• ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/pride-and-joy/201209/battles-over-homework-advice-parents
• ↑ https://kidshealth.org/en/parents/help-teen-homework.html?WT.ac=en-p-homework-help-a#

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Homework Struggles May Not Be a Behavior Problem

Exploring some options to understand and help..

Posted August 2, 2022 | Reviewed by Abigail Fagan

• Mental health challenges and neurodevelopmental differences directly affect children's ability to do homework.
• Understanding what difficulties are getting in the way—beyond the usual explanation of a behavior problem—is key.
• Sleep and mental health needs can take priority over homework completion.

Chelsea was in 10th grade the first time I told her directly to stop doing her homework and get some sleep. I had been working with her since she was in middle school, treating her anxiety disorder. She deeply feared disappointing anyone—especially her teachers—and spent hours trying to finish homework perfectly. The more tired and anxious she got, the harder it got for her to finish the assignments.

One night Chelsea called me in despair, feeling hopeless. She was exhausted and couldn’t think straight. She felt like a failure and that she was a burden to everyone because she couldn’t finish her homework.

She was shocked when I told her that my prescription for her was to go to sleep now—not to figure out how to finish her work. I told her to leave her homework incomplete and go to sleep. We briefly discussed how we would figure it out the next day, with her mom and her teachers. At that moment, it clicked for her that it was futile to keep working—because nothing was getting done.

This was an inflection point for her awareness of when she was emotionally over-cooked and when she needed to stop and take a break or get some sleep. We repeated versions of this phone call several times over the course of her high school and college years, but she got much better at being able to do this for herself most of the time.

When Mental Health Symptoms Interfere with Homework

Kids with mental health or neurodevelopmental challenges often struggle mightily with homework. Challenges can come up in every step of the homework process, including, but not limited to:

• Remembering and tracking assignments and materials
• Getting the mental energy/organization to start homework
• Filtering distractions enough to persist with assignments
• Understanding unspoken or implied parts of the homework
• Remembering to bring finished homework to class
• Being in class long enough to know the material
• Tolerating the fear of not knowing or failing
• Not giving up the assignment because of a panic attack
• Tolerating frustration—such as not understanding—without emotional dysregulation
• Being able to ask for help—from a peer or a teacher and not being afraid to reach out

This list is hardly comprehensive. ADHD , autism spectrum disorder, social anxiety , generalized anxiety, panic disorder, depression , dysregulation, and a range of other neurodevelopmental and mental health challenges cause numerous learning differences and symptoms that can specifically and frequently interfere with getting homework done.

The Usual Diagnosis for Homework Problems is "Not Trying Hard Enough"

Unfortunately, when kids frequently struggle to meet homework demands, teachers and parents typically default to one explanation of the problem: The child is making a choice not to do their homework. That is the default “diagnosis” in classrooms and living rooms. And once this framework is drawn, the student is often seen as not trying hard enough, disrespectful, manipulative, or just plain lazy.

The fundamental disconnect here is that the diagnosis of homework struggles as a behavioral choice is, in fact, only one explanation, while there are so many other diagnoses and differences that impair children's ability to consistently do their homework. If we are trying to create solutions based on only one understanding of the problem, the solutions will not work. More devastatingly, the wrong solutions can worsen the child’s mental health and their long-term engagement with school and learning.

To be clear, we aren’t talking about children who sometimes struggle with or skip homework—kids who can change and adapt their behaviors and patterns in response to the outcomes of that struggle. For this discussion, we are talking about children with mental health and/or neurodevelopmental symptoms and challenges that create chronic difficulties with meeting homework demands.

How Can You Help a Child Who Struggles with Homework?

How can you help your child who is struggling to meet homework demands because of their ADHD, depression, anxiety, OCD , school avoidance, or any other neurodevelopmental or mental health differences? Let’s break this down into two broad areas—things you can do at home, and things you can do in communication with the school.

Helping at Home

The following suggestions for managing school demands at home can feel counterintuitive to parents—because we usually focus on helping our kids to complete their tasks. But mental health needs jump the line ahead of task completion. And starting at home will be key to developing an idea of what needs to change at school.

• Set an end time in the evening after which no more homework will be attempted. Kids need time to decompress and they need sleep—and pushing homework too close to or past bedtime doesn’t serve their educational needs. Even if your child hasn’t been able to approach the homework at all, even if they have avoided and argued the whole evening, it is still important for everyone to have a predictable time to shut down the whole process.
• If there are arguments almost every night about homework, if your child isn’t starting homework or finishing it, reframe it from failure into information. It’s data to put into problem-solving. We need to consider other possible explanations besides “behavioral choice” when trying to understand the problem and create effective solutions. What problems are getting in the way of our child’s meeting homework demands that their peers are meeting most of the time?
• Try not to argue about homework. If you can check your own anxiety and frustration, it can be more productive to ally with your child and be curious with them. Kids usually can’t tell you a clear “why” but maybe they can tell you how they are feeling and what they are thinking. And if your child can’t talk about it or just keeps saying “I don't know,” try not to push. Come back another time. Rushing, forcing, yelling, and threatening will predictably not help kids do homework.

Helping at School

The second area to explore when your neurodiverse child struggles frequently with homework is building communication and connections with school and teachers. Some places to focus on include the following.

• Label your child’s diagnoses and break down specific symptoms for the teachers and school team. Nonjudgmental, but specific language is essential for teachers to understand your child’s struggles. Breaking their challenges down into the problems specific to homework can help with building solutions. As your child gets older, help them identify their difficulties and communicate them to teachers.
• Let teachers and the school team know that your child’s mental health needs—including sleep—take priority over finishing homework. If your child is always struggling to complete homework and get enough sleep, or if completing homework is leading to emotional meltdowns every night, adjusting their homework demands will be more successful than continuing to push them into sleep deprivation or meltdowns.
• Request a child study team evaluation to determine if your child qualifies for services under special education law such as an IEP, or accommodations through section 504—and be sure that homework adjustments are included in any plan. Or if such a plan is already in place, be clear that modification of homework expectations needs to be part of it.

The Long-Term Story

I still work with Chelsea and she recently mentioned how those conversations so many years ago are still part of how she approaches work tasks or other demands that are spiking her anxiety when she finds herself in a vortex of distress. She stops what she is doing and prioritizes reducing her anxiety—whether it’s a break during her day or an ending to the task for the evening. She sees that this is crucial to managing her anxiety in her life and still succeeding at what she is doing.

Task completion at all costs is not a solution for kids with emotional needs. Her story (and the story of many of my patients) make this crystal clear.

Candida Fink, M.D. , is board certified in child/adolescent and general psychiatry. She practices in New York and has co-authored two books— The Ups and Downs of Raising a Bipolar Child and Bipolar Disorder for Dummies.

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How to help your kids with homework (without doing it for them)

Lecturer in the Faculty of Education, Monash University

Lecturer, Monash University

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The authors do not work for, consult, own shares in or receive funding from any company or organisation that would benefit from this article, and have disclosed no relevant affiliations beyond their academic appointment.

Monash University provides funding as a founding partner of The Conversation AU.

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Parents are a child’s first and most important teachers . Parent involvement in their child’s learning can help improve how well they do in school. However, when it comes to helping kids with homework, it’s not so simple.

While it’s important to show support and model learning behaviour, there is a limit to how much help you can give without robbing your child of the opportunity to learn for themselves.

Be involved and interested

An analysis of more than 400 research studies found parent involvement, both at school and at home, could improve students’ academic achievement, engagement and motivation.

School involvement includes parents participating in events such as parent-teacher conferences and volunteering in the classroom. Home involvement includes parents talking with children about school, providing encouragement, creating stimulating environments for learning and finally – helping them with homework.

Read more: What to do at home so your kids do well at school

The paper found overall, it was consistently beneficial for parents to be involved in their child’s education, regardless of the child’s age or socioeconomic status. However, this same analysis also suggested parents should be cautious with how they approach helping with homework.

Parents helping kids with homework was linked to higher levels of motivation and engagement, but lower levels of academic achievement. This suggests too much help may take away from the child’s responsibility for their own learning.

Help them take responsibility

Most children don’t like homework. Many parents agonise over helping their children with homework. Not surprisingly, this creates a negative emotional atmosphere that often results in questioning the value of homework.

Homework has often been linked to student achievement, promoting the idea children who complete it will do better in school. The most comprehensive analysis on homework and achievement to date suggests it can influence academic achievement (like test scores), particularly for children in years seven to 12.

But more research is needed to find out about how much homework is appropriate for particular ages and what types are best to maximise home learning.

Read more: Too much help with homework can hinder your child's learning progress

When it comes to parent involvement, research suggests parents should help their child see their homework as an opportunity to learn rather than perform. For example, if a child needs to create a poster, it is more valuable the child notes the skills they develop while creating the poster rather than making the best looking poster in the class.

Instead of ensuring their child completes their homework, it’s more effective for parents to support their child to increase confidence in completing homework tasks on their own.

Here are four ways they can do this.

1. Praise and encourage your child

Your positivity will make a difference to your child’s approach to homework and learning in general. Simply, your presence and support creates a positive learning environment.

Our study involved working with recently arrived Afghani mothers who were uncertain how to help their children with school. This was because they said they could not understand the Australian education system or speak or write in English.

However, they committed to sit next to their children as they completed their homework tasks in English, asking them questions and encouraging them to discuss what they were learning in their first language.

In this way, the parents still played a role in supporting their child even without understanding the content and the children were actively engaged in their learning.

2. Model learning behaviour

Many teachers model what they would like their students to do. So, if a child has a problem they can’t work out, you can sit down and model how you would do it, then complete the next one together and then have the child do it on their own.

3. Create a homework plan

When your child becomes overly frustrated with their homework, do not force them. Instead, together create a plan to best tackle it:

read and understand the homework task

break the homework task into smaller logical chunks

discuss how much time is required to complete each chunk

work backwards from the deadline and create a timeline

put the timeline where the child can see it

encourage your child to mark completed chunks to see the progress made on the task

4. Make space for homework

Life is busy. Parents can create positive study habits by allocating family time for this. This could mean carving out one hour after dinner for your child to do homework while you engage in a study activity such as reading, rather than watching television and relaxing. You can also create a comfortable and inviting reading space for the child to learn in.

Parents’ ability to support their child’s learning goes beyond homework. Parents can engage their child in discussions, read with them, and provide them with other ongoing learning opportunities (such as going to a museum, watching a documentary or spending time online together).

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Posted on October 8, 2019 by confidentparentsconfidentkids

Frustrations over Homework? Practice this Coping Strategy…

Research confirms that short breaks help a person’s brain refresh and process. Staring at the page may not produce any new thinking in your child and in fact, staying there when irritated can burn valuable fuel and decrease motivation to put in the hard work necessary to get through the learning process.

But if he walks away, gets some fresh air, or moves a bit, he might feel differently. This small change of scenery can boost thinking skills in powerful ways. He can think more clearly and become a better problem-solver when he returns. He may even gain some new ideas or solutions to his problem removed from the work setting. This functions in the same way that we experience the “shower effect.” Do you get your best ideas in the shower too? Or perhaps your most creative thoughts come when you are driving in the car with no laptop or notepad at the ready? Or maybe when you’ve laid down to go to sleep for the night, your brain starts firing off brilliant thoughts. In order to access our top thinking skills, we require a mental rest. Consider that a short brain break for your child is working with their natural thinking processes to facilitate them, not fight against them.

So although our intention to promote grit and “stick-to-attive-ness” in our children comes from a genuine hope to help them be successful, teaching and promoting brain breaks can help children learn to manage their emotions more effectively while working. And in addition, they may be able to extend their focused attention when they return to work with added motivation from the fuel they’ve gained.

Here are some simple ways to teach, practice, and promote the essential brain break.

Talk about the Brain Break during a regular (non-frustrating) homework time.

Or if homework is consistently frustrating, then pick a non-homework time to talk about how to take brain breaks.

Brainstorm ideas.

See if you can come up with a few ideas together. What can your child do when taking a brain break? You might ask: “ What makes you feel better or gives you comfort when you’re feeling frustrated? ” You can share some restorative ideas like walking outside and breathing in the fresh air, doing some jumping jacks or a yoga pose, getting a drink of water, or visiting a favorite stuffed friend. For young children, imitate your favorite animal. Hop like a bunny or jump from limb to limb like a squirrel. For older children, listen to your favorite song or play on a musical instrument. Have your child write or draw their ideas. Keep that paper in your homework location so that when it’s needed, you can remind your child to take a look at what ideas she’s had and pick one. Daniel Goleman’s book entitled “ Focus; The Hidden Driver of Excellence ” recommends getting outside in nature as one of the most restorative (and just stepping outside your front door counts!). He also writes that checking email, surfing the web, or playing video games are not restorative so avoid those when you are generating brain break ideas.

Discuss school brain breaks.

Yes, brain breaks are key at school too. But does your child’s teacher offer them? Even if they do, they are likely structured breaks for all students and may not serve your own child’s needs at the moment she has them. Help her learn self-management skills by figuring out what she can do in the midst of frustrating moments when she is sitting at her desk completing a worksheet or taking a test. Because mindfulness simply means becoming aware of your body and your thoughts and feelings (and holding compassion for those feelings – not judgement), it can be done anywhere. Your child could count to ten slowly while breathing deeply. Your child could tap each finger on her page individually while breathing noticing the touching sensation. She could wiggle each toe in her shoes noticing how that feels. These pauses can help her bring her focus back to her work.

Set a timer.

Brain breaks should not be long. After all, your child has work to accomplish and especially on school nights, time is limited. So allow enough time to move away and change the perspective but not so much time that your child gets involved in another activity. One to three minutes could be enough to accomplish that goal. Also, put your child in charge of the timer. You don’t want to be the one managing this break. Give your child that responsibility.

Do a dry run.

Practice is important before using it. Include deep breathing in your practice. For young children, try out hot chocolate breathing or teddy bear breathing to practice this important part of the break. For older children, you can merely count to ten while breathing or exaggerate the sound of your deep breathing together. Call “ brain break. ” Move away from work, breathe deeply, and try out your child’s idea for one restorative practice. This practice will ensure that she is well-rehearsed and can call upon that memory when she’s feeling frustrated and taken over by her flight or fight survival brain.

Notice, remind, and reinforce through reflection.

After you’ve generated ideas and practiced, then notice when you see your child getting frustrated. You might say, “ I notice you have a frustrated look on your face. Would a brain break help ?” Then after she does a brain break and her homework is complete, reflect. “ Did that help you and how did it help you? ” in order to maximize her learning.

For parents, teaching and promoting brain breaks with your child can serve as a helpful reminder to us. Yes, we also require brain breaks as we deal with a myriad of responsibilities and attempt to use focused attention with our child, as well as our work, as well as our household and social responsibilities. If you notice you are feeling overloaded with it all, how can you incorporate brain breaks into your own day to help you become more effective? I think I’ll take one…right now.

For Educators, check out this great article on Edutopia on how to incorporate brain breaks and other focusing activities into your daily classroom routines.

Brain Breaks and Focused Attention Practices

References:

Goleman, D. (2013). Focus; The hidden driven of excellence . NY: Harper Collins.

Kim et al. (2018). Daily micro-breaks and job performance: General work engagement as a cross-level moderator. Journal of Applied Psychology. 103 (7) 772-786.

Originally published on February 17, 2019.

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Category: Building a Positive Family Environment Tags: brain breaks , Coping skills , Dealing with big feelings , frustrating homework , homework frustrations , learning challenges , Self-management , upset during homework

11 Comments on “Frustrations over Homework? Practice this Coping Strategy…”

Thanks for your share. There are as many ways to learn as there are people. Since college, I found methods for learning that reduced after school study time from 20 hours to nearly none. As a teacher, I shared some of these ideas, but encouraged the kids to find what works for them. They could use what I shared, try it, but find what works for them. Here’s what I shared: As the teacher lectures, read the book/text (splitting attention for high functioning students), or read the book soon after the lecture (which I gave time). I would take notes as the teacher talked, but also summarize paragraphs as I read (like one or two phrases each). I also got into the habit of drawing pictures to explain each page (main point). Now, this sounds complex, but it isn’t, all happening at the same time. She lectures, I’m reading and listening: listening for the main points. As I’m reading, I’m summarizing paragraphs and drawing pictures so I can visualize what is happening. At home, all I do is read the notes and look at the pictures, while it’s fresh, to review. Never had to study for tests except to review the notes and think about them. The students who understood this improved in grades. I taught them to learn through understanding, not memorization. Understand and all the pieces fit. Some kids used aspects of this, borrowing, but including their own ideas. The main thing is to understand as you go.

Wow! Thank you sincerely for sharing how you study and advise others! This is so excellent. I really appreciate how you incorporate multiple ways of grappling with the material as you are learning it – summarizing, drawing pictures. These are terrific study methods. I think this is a blog article of the future since very few schools actually take the time to teach study skills. Are you a parent too? My criteria for writing an guest article is that you are a parent (of an 0-18 year old in your household) and have experience/expertise in child development or social and emotional development. If you are interested and fit that criteria, I hope you’ll email me at [email protected] . Thanks for the excellent comment! Best, Jennifer

You’re not going to beleive me when I explain. I was married once, but no children. However, as a teacher, I gathered that if I didn’t have my own children, the work of teaching would be worth the time. But, I think, my friends and family would tell you they think I’m unusual. I’m not. I simply wanted to understand learning and how best to learn, since I hated school while growing up and looked for easier ways. I’ll share something, and people can read my site for other articles (Those articles aren’t the most popular, because writing seems to block the communication that happens in person.). This was when I trained a horse. I had learned some riding in college, then helped people learn beginning riding in summer camp. But I had never trained a horse. **One day, while at work, a friend told me of another friend who was looking for someone to train his 2/3 year old thoroughbred horse. It had never been trained, never been saddled: basically, it was a pet. So, I told him I could train the horse. He didn’t ask if I had ever trained a horse, just if I could. Of course I could. Had no idea what was going to happen. I read one book on the horse whisperer and one magazine about horse training tips. I thought about horses. I knew I liked them, been around them while learning riding, so I figured all would be good. Then, I thought about what training might look like, visualized lessons, wrote down ideas, then went one step at a time. Met the horse, with the owner. Got to know the horse. Two weeks later, we could walk, trot, cantor, gallop, walk backwards, and open gates while sitting on the horse. But we were a partnership. I just listened to what the horse was telling me. This isn’t hard. It’s just all too many of us have been educated out of our common sense. We’ve lost that innate knowing that children have. When I teach, I try to support what children already have, teaching them to trust themselves, but they must do the work. Hope this helps.

Oh my goodness! I love it! I love your example of training a horse and how you learned what you could be then and then deep dove into a partnership of learning with the horse. That’s beautiful! That is how we all learn, isn’t it? It’s just that we adults seem to run into many fears and barriers as we attempt to let go of some of the control while we allow for our learning partner to try and take chances and experiment. It’s a dance for sure. I also love that you hated school but loved figuring out how learning takes place and how you could do it in a way that your students actually derived joy from the experience. Just wonderful! Thank you for writing! You have a whole lot of wisdom to share! Glad you are blogging about it! Please keep in touch. Best, Jennifer

By the way, Jennifer, you’re one of the reasons I keep trying to encourage others to see how easy learning is.

Thank for that comment! I appreciate it. I too am a student of learning and think we can gain a whole lot from learning from our children!

Good ideas. L,M >

Hi Jennifer, Brain break tricks you shared are really helpful for parents , teachers and students as well. Not every time one can go for vacation or on a trip. Many parents feel helpless when they see kids struggling with their work. I am sure if they document such tips and tricks and go through it every if and then, then it would be more helpful for them. ‘Deep breath’ technique is really wonderful for elders as well, it calms and fresh you up with in minutes. School and tuition teachers also need to learn and use such tactics to involve kids in better way. Thanks for sharing.

Zayden, I agree! Breaks and teaching coping strategies can be such empowering tools for parents as they support learning at home. Appreciate your feedback! 🙂 Jennifer

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Because differences are our greatest strength

What to say when your grade-schooler gets frustrated

By Amanda Morin

Expert reviewed by Mark J. Griffin, PhD

At a glance

Kids who learn and think differently might get frustrated more often than other kids.

That can lead them to act out in ways that seem confusing.

Knowing what’s behind the behavior lets you respond in more helpful ways.

When your child pushes your buttons, you might think it’s about testing limits (or your patience). Sometimes that is the case. But for kids who learn and think differently, some things that seem simple can actually be really hard. And that can lead them to get frustrated and act out.

Knowing what’s behind the behavior can help you keep your cool. It can also help you react in a way that makes it easier for your child to cope. Here are examples of frustrations you might see, and ways to respond.

Frustration about following directions

The behavior you’re seeing: It’s time to turn off the TV to get ready for bed. But your child just grins and sits on the remote so you can’t take it away.

Before you understand, you might think: Your child is trying to provoke you.

The frustration behind the behavior: Lots of kids who learn and think differently have trouble going from one thing to the next. They might need extra help with transitions, like clear directions about what to do and when.

A helpful way to respond: “I know you want to keep watching. I gave you a ‘five-minute warning.’ Right now, it’s time to get ready for bed. Turn off the TV.”

Frustration about homework

The behavior you’re seeing: Your child bursts into tears while doing homework and starts scribbling all over the page.

Before you understand, you might think: Your child is trying to get out of doing homework.

The frustration behind the behavior: Homework can make kids who learn and think differently feel very anxious . They might be afraid to make mistakes. Or they might not know how to get the work done.

A helpful way to respond: “I see you’re upset. What’s going on? Let’s try to find a way to salvage this page. Then we can talk about how to make homework time easier in the future.”

Frustration about social situations

The behavior you’re seeing: At the table, your child keeps burping loudly on purpose while other family members are talking.

Before you understand, you might think: Your child is trying to hog all the attention.

The frustration behind the behavior: Some kids who learn and think differently have trouble following conversations . They might not know how to join in without interrupting people. And they may get so frustrated that they act out.

A helpful way to respond: “You’re interrupting. If you’d like to join the conversation or leave the table, say ‘excuse me.’”

Frustration about completing tasks

The behavior you’re seeing: You ask your child to set the table. And 10 minutes later, when you ask why only the plates are out, your child says, “I’m not setting the stupid table!”

Before you understand, you might think: Your child is being rude.

The frustration behind the behavior: Your child might not know what a table should look like when it’s set.

A helpful way to respond: “It may seem ‘stupid’ to you, but I need the table set. Let’s set one place together and you can do the rest. It doesn’t need to look exactly the way it does when I set it. We can always move things around when we sit down.”

Learn more about helping kids cope with frustration .

Key takeaways

Routines that seem simple can be challenging for kids who learn and think differently.

How you respond to frustration can make a big difference.

Acknowledging your child’s frustration can help you both keep your cool.

Explore related topics

Home / Expert Articles / Child Behavior Problems / School & Homework

The Homework Battle: How to Get Children to Do Homework

By debbie pincus, ms lmhc.

Parents often feel it’s their job to get their kids to do well in school. Naturally, you might get anxious about this responsibility as a parent. You might also get nervous about your kids succeeding in life—and homework often becomes the focus of that concern.

But when parents feel it’s their responsibility to get their kids to achieve, they now need something from their children—they need them to do their homework and be a success. I believe this need puts you in a powerless position as a parent because your child doesn’t have to give you what you want.

The battle about homework becomes a battle over control. Your child starts fighting to have more control over the choices in their life, while you feel that your job as a parent is to be in control of things. So you both fight harder, and it turns into a war in your home.

Over the years, I’ve talked to many parents who are in the trenches with their kids, and I’ve seen firsthand that there are many creative ways kids rebel when it comes to schoolwork. Your child might forget to do their homework, do their homework but not hand it in, do it sloppily or carelessly, or not study properly for their test. These are just a few ways that kids try to hold onto the little control they have.

When this starts happening, parents feel more and more out of control, so they punish, nag, threaten, and argue. Some parents stop trying altogether to get their children to do homework. Or, and this is common, parents will over-function for their kids by doing the work for them.

Now the battle is in full swing: reactivity is heightened as anxiety is elevated—and homework gets lost in the shuffle. The hard truth for parents is that you cannot make your children do anything, let alone homework. But what you can do is to set limits, respect their individual choices, and help motivate them to motivate themselves.

You might be thinking to yourself, “You don’t know my child. I can’t motivate him to do anything.” Many parents tell me that their children are not motivated to do their work. I believe that children are motivated—they just may not be motivated the way you’d like them to be. Keep reading for some concrete tips to help you guide them in their work without having to nag, threaten, or fight with them.

Also, keep in mind that if you carry more of the worry, fear, disappointments, and concern than your child does about their work, ask yourself, “What’s wrong with this picture, and how did this happen?” Remember, as long as you carry their concerns, they don’t have to.

Stop the Nightly Fights

The way you can stop fighting with your kids over homework every night is to stop fighting with them tonight. Disengage from the dance. Choose some different steps or decide not to dance at all. Let homework stay where it belongs—between the teacher and the student. Stay focused on your job, which is to help your child do their job. Don’t do it for them.

If you feel frustrated, take a break from helping your child with homework. Your blood pressure on the rise is a no-win for everyone. Take five or ten minutes to calm down, and let your child do the same if you feel a storm brewing.

Create Structure Around Homework Time

Set limits around homework time. Here are a few possibilities that I’ve found to be effective with families:

• Homework is done at the same time each night.
• Homework is done in a public area of your house.
• If grades are failing or falling, take away screen time so your child can focus and have more time to concentrate on their work.
• Make it the rule that weekend activities don’t happen until work is completed. Homework comes first. As James Lehman says, “The weekend doesn’t begin until homework is done.”

Let Your Child Make Their Own Choices

I recommend that your child be free to make their own choices within the parameters you set around schoolwork. You need to back off a bit as a parent. Otherwise, you won’t be helping them with their responsibilities.

If you take too much control over the situation, it will backfire on you by turning into a power struggle. And believe me, you don’t want a power struggle over homework. I’ve seen many kids purposely do poorly just to show their parents who’s in charge. I’ve also seen children who complied to ease their parents’ anxiety, but these same kids never learned to think and make choices for themselves.

Let Your Child Own the Consequences of Their Choices

I’m a big believer in natural consequences when it comes to schoolwork. Within the structure you set up, your child has some choices. They can choose to do their homework or not. And they can choose to do it well and with effort or not. The natural consequences will come from their choices—if they don’t choose to do their work, their grades will drop.

When that happens, you can ask them some honest questions:

“Are you satisfied with how things are going?”

“What do you want to do about your grade situation?”

“How can I be helpful to you?”

Be careful not to be snarky or judgmental. Just ask the question honestly. Show honest concern and try not to show disappointment.

Intervene Without Taking Control

The expectation is that homework is done to the best of your child’s ability. When they stop making an effort, and you see their grades drop, that’s when you invite yourself in. You can say:

“It’s my job to help you do your job better. I’m going to help you set up a plan to help yourself, and I will check in to make sure you’re following it.”

Set up a plan with your child’s input to get them back on their feet. For example, the new rules might be that homework must be done in a public place in your home until they get their grades back up. You and your child might meet with the teacher to discuss disciplinary actions should their grades continue to drop.

In other words, you will help your child get back on track by putting a concrete plan in place. And when you see this change, you can step back out of it. But before that, your child is going to sit in a public space and you’re going to monitor their work.

You’re also checking in more. Depending on your child’s age, you’re making sure that things are checked off before they go out. You’re adding a half-hour of review time for their subjects every day. And then, each day after school, they’re checking with their teacher or going for some extra help.

Remember, this plan is not a punishment—it’s a practical way of helping your child to do their best.

“I Don’t Care about Bad Grades!”

Many parents will say that their kids just don’t care about their grades. My guess is that somewhere inside, they do care. “I don’t care” also becomes part of a power struggle.

In other words, your child is saying, “I’m not going to care because you can’t make me. You don’t own my life.” And they’re right. The truth is, you can’t make them care. Instead, focus on what helps their behavior improve. And focus more on their actions and less on their attitude because it’s the actions that matter the most.

Motivation Comes From Ownership

It’s important to understand that caring and motivation come from ownership. You can help your child be motivated by allowing them to own their life more.

So let them own their disappointment over their grades. Don’t feel it more than they do. Let them choose what they will do or not do about their homework and face the consequences of those choices. Now they will begin to feel ownership, which may lead to caring.

Let them figure out what motivates them, not have them motivated by fear of you. Help guide them, but don’t prevent them from feeling the real-life consequences of bad choices. Think of it this way: it’s better for your child to learn from those consequences at age ten by failing their grade and having to go to summer school than for them to learn at age 25 by losing their job.

When Your Child Has a Learning Disability

I want to note that it’s very important that you check to see that there are no other learning issues around your child’s refusal to do homework. If they’re having difficulty doing the work or are performing below grade-level expectations, they should be tested to rule out any learning disabilities or other concerns.

If there is a learning disability, your child may need more help. For example, some kids need a little more guidance; you may need to sit near your child and help a little more. You can still put structures into place depending on who your child is.

But be careful. Many times, kids with learning disabilities get way too much help and develop what psychologists call learned helplessness . Be sure you’re not over-functioning for your learning disabled child by doing their work for them or filling in answers when they’re capable of thinking through them themselves.

The Difference Between Guidance and Over-Functioning

Your child needs guidance from you, but understand that guidance does not mean doing their spelling homework for them. Rather, it’s helping them review their words. When you cross the line into over-functioning, you take on your child’s work and put their responsibilities on your shoulders. So you want to guide them by helping them edit their book report themselves or helping them take the time to review before a test. Those can be good ways of guiding your child, but anything more than that is taking too much ownership of their work.

If your child asks for help, you can coach them. Suggest that they speak with their teacher on how to be a good student and teach them those communication skills. In other words, show them how to help themselves. So you should not back off altogether—it’s that middle ground that you’re looking for. That’s why I think it’s essential to set up a structure. And within that structure, you expect your child to do what they have to do to be a good student.

Focus on Your Own Goals

When you start over-focusing on your child’s work, pause and think about your own goals and what do you need to get done to achieve those goals. Model your own persistence and perseverance to your child.

Believe In Your Child

I also tell parents to start believing in their children. Don’t keep looking at your child as a fragile creature who can’t do the work. I think we often come to the table with fear and doubt—we think if we don’t help our kids, they’re just not going to do it.

But as much as you say, “I’m just trying to help you,” what your child hears is, “You’re a failure; I don’t believe you can do it on your own.”

Instead, your message should be, “I know you can do it. And I believe in you enough to let you make your own choices and deal with the consequences.”

Related content: What Can I Do When My Child Refuses to Go to School? “My Child Refuses to Do Homework” — How to Stop the Nightly Struggle Over Schoolwork

For more information on the concept of learned helplessness in psychology and behavior, we recommend the following articles:

Psychology Today: Learned Helplessness

VeryWell Mind: What Is Learned Helplessness and Why Does it Happen?

About Debbie Pincus, MS LMHC

For more than 25 years, Debbie has offered compassionate and effective therapy and coaching, helping individuals, couples and parents to heal themselves and their relationships. Debbie is the creator of the Calm Parent AM & PM™ program and is also the author of numerous books for young people on interpersonal relations.

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Frank My daughter Nina just turned 8 (Feb 11). She does not like to do homework one bit. Her teacher gives her homework every day except Friday. She loves Fridays because she doesn't like homework. She always hides her homework under her bed, refuses to do her homework, and in the More morning she tells her teacher "I lost it last night and can't find it!". She feels homework is a waste of time, yes, we all feel that way, but poor Nina needs to learn that homework is important to help you stay smart. She needs to start doing homework. How can I make her 2nd-grade brain know that homework is actually good? Is there a way to make her love, love, LOVE homework? Let me know.

Rebecca Wolfenden, Parent Coach We appreciate you writing in to Empowering Parents and sharing your story. Because we are a website aimed at helping people become more effective parents, we are limited in the advice and suggestions we can give to those outside of a direct parenting role. In addition to the tips in More the article above, it may be helpful to look into local resources to help you develop a plan for addressing these particular issues with your cousins, such as their doctor or their teachers. We wish you the best going forward. Take care.

Rebecca Wolfenden, Parent Coach I hear you. Homework can be a challenging, frustrating time in many families even under the best of circumstances, so you are not alone. When kids struggle with a subject, it can be even more difficult to get assignments completed. Although you didn’t indicate that your daughter More has ADHD, you might find some helpful tips in Why School is Hard for Kids with ADHD—and How You Can Help . Author Anna Stewart outlines techniques that can be useful to help make homework more interesting for kids with a variety of learning challenges in this article. You might also consider checking in with your daughter’s teacher, as s/he might have some additional ideas for engaging your daughter in her homework. Please be sure to write back and let us know how things are going for you and your family. Take care.

So, after reading this I get to say…GREAT…You really do not know my child.  We have done 100% of everything listed in this article.  In the end, my son has utterly declared “I DON’T CARE, AND I DON’T NEED SCHOOL”.  We have attempted a “reward” system as well, and that doesn’t work.  He cares about 3 or 4 things.  Nintendo DS, Lego, K’Nex, TV…all of those he has lost over the past year.  Now he reads, ALL the time.  Fine, but that doesn’t get his homework done.  It also doesn’t get anything else he needs to do done.  We’ve done “task boards”, we’ve done “Reward Systems”, we’ve done the “What is on your list to complete”.  EVERYTHING is met with either a full fledged meltdown (think 2 year old…on the floor, kicking and screaming and crying).  His IMMEDIATE response to ANYTHING that may interrupt him is “NO” or worse.  If something doesn’t go his way directly he throws a fit INSTANTLY, even if the response is “Give me a second” it’s NOW OR I’M DESTROYING SOMETHING.  He’s been suspended multiple times for his anger issues, and he’s only 10.  Unfortuantely we have no family history as he was adopted from Russia.  His “formal” diagnosis are ADHD and Anxiety.  I’m thinking there is something much more going on.  BTW: He did have an IQ test and that put him at 145 for Spacial and Geometric items, with a 136 for written and language.  His composite was 139, which puts him in the genius category, but he’s failing across the board…because he refuses to do the work.

Interesting article and comments. Our son (6th grade) was early diagnosed as ADHD and for the first 3 years of elementary school several of his teachers suggested he might require special education. But then the school counseling staff did a workup and determined that his IQ is 161 and from that point forward his classroom antics were largely tolerated as “eccentric”.  He has now moved to middle school (6th grade) and while his classroom participation seems to be satisfactory to all teachers, he has refused to do approximately 65% of his homework so far this school year. We have tried talking with him, reasoning with him, removing screen time, offering cash payments (which he lectures us as being unethical “bribes”), offering trips, offering hobbies and sporting events, and just about anything we can think of. Our other children have all been through the “talented and gifted” programs, but he simply refuses to participate in day-to-day school work. His fall report card was pretty much solid “F” or “O” grades. He may be bored out of his mind, or he may have some other issues. Unfortunately, home schooling is not an option, and neither is one of the $40,000 per year local private schools which may or may not be in a better position to deal with his approach to school.  Do “learning centers” work for kids like this? Paying somebody else to force him to do his homework seems like a coward’s solution but I am nearly at the end of my rope! Thanks..

RebeccaW_ParentalSupport 12yokosuka Many parents struggle with staying calm when their child is acting out and screaming, so you are not alone.  It tends to be effective to set up a structured time for kids to do their homework and study, and they can earn a privilege if they comply and meet More their responsibilities.  What this might look like for your daughter is that if she studies, she can earn her phone that day.  If she refuses, and chooses to argue or scream at you instead, then she doesn’t earn her phone that day and has another chance the next day.  You can read more about this in https://www.empoweringparents.com/article/end-the-nightly-homework-struggle-5-homework-strategies-that-work-for-kids/.  If you are also looking for resources to help you stay calm, I encourage you to check out our articles, blogs, and other resources on https://www.empoweringparents.com/article-categories/parenting-strategies-techniques/calm-parenting/.  Please let us know if you have any additional questions.  Take care.

Scott carcione 

I’m sorry to hear about the challenges you are experiencing with your

son.I also hear the different

approaches you and your ex are taking toward parenting your son.While it would be ideal if you were able to

find common ground, and present a consistent, united response to your son’s

choices, in the end, you can only https://www.empoweringparents.com/article/parenting-after-divorce-9-ways-to-parent-on-your-own-terms/.At

this point, it might be useful to meet with the school to discuss how you can

work together to hold your son accountable for his actions, such as receiving a

poor grade if he refuses to do his work.Janet Lehman discusses this more in https://www.empoweringparents.com/article/when-your-child-has-problems-at-school-6-tips-for-parents/.Take care.

It can be so challenging when your child is acting out at school, yet does

not act that way at home.One strategy I

recommend is talking with your son at home about his behavior at school.During this conversation, I encourage you to

address his choices, and come up with a specific plan for what he can do differently

to follow the rules.I also recommend

working with his teachers, and discussing how you can assist them in helping

your son to follow the rules.You might

find additional useful tips in our article, https://www.empoweringparents.com/article/acting-out-in-school-when-your-child-is-the-class-troublemaker/.Please be sure to write back and let us know

how things are going for you and your son.Take care.

I hear you.It can be so challenging

when your young child is having outbursts like this.A lot of young children tend to act out and

have tantrums when they are experiencing a big transition, such as starting a

new school or adjusting to having a younger sibling, so you are not alone.Something that can be helpful is to set up

clear structure and expectations around homework, as Janet Lehman points out in

https://www.empoweringparents.com/article/my-child-refuses-to-do-homework-heres-how-to-stop-the-struggle/.I also encourage you to set aside some time

for you to have https://www.empoweringparents.com/article/attention-seeking-behavior-in-young-children-dos-and-donts-for-parents/ with your daughter as well.Please be sure to write back and let us know

how things are going for you and your family.Take care.

JoJoSuma I am having the exact same problem with my 9 year old son. His grades are quickly falling and I have no idea why or where to begin with helping him turn things around. When he applies himself he receives score of 80% or higher, and when he doesn't it clearly shows and he receives failing scores. He, too, says that he doesn't do or want to do the work because it is boring, or that he "Forgot" or "lost it". He has started to become a disruption to the class and at this rate I am afraid that he will have to repeat 5th grade. I am also a single parent so my frustration is at an all time high. You are not alone and I wish you and your family the best.

Thank you so much for these tips RebeccaW_ParentalSupport because I SERIOUSLY had nowhere to turn and no clue where to begin. I have cried many nights feeling like I was losing control. I will try your tips and see where things go from here.

It’s not uncommon

for kids to avoid doing homework, chores or other similar tasks.  After

all, homework can be boring or difficult, and most people (both kids and adults

alike) tend to prefer activities which are enjoyable or fun.  This does

not mean that you cannot address this with your daughter, though. 

Something which can be helpful for many families is to set up a structured

homework time, and to require that your daughter complete her homework in order

to earn a privilege later on that evening.  You can read about this, and

other tips, in https://www.empoweringparents.com/article/end-the-nightly-homework-struggle-5-homework-strategies-that-work-for-kids/. 

Please be sure to write back and let us know how things are going for you and

your daughter.  Take care.

Thestruggleisreal I'm just now signing up for these articles, I'm struggling with my 12 year and school work, she just doesn't want to do it, she has no care I'm world to do, she is driving me crazy over not doing, I hate to see her More fail, but I don't know what to do

FamilyMan888 

I can hear how much your

daughter’s education means to you, and the additional difficulties you are

facing as a result of her learning disabilities.  You make a great point

that you cannot force her to do her work, or get additional help, and I also

understand your concern that getting her teachers to “make” her do these things

at school might create more conflict there as well.  As James Lehman

points out in his article, https://www.empoweringparents.com/article/stop-the-blame-game-how-to-teach-your-child-to-stop-making-excuses-and-start-taking-responsibility/, lowering your expectations for your daughter due to her

diagnosis is probably not going to be effective either.  Instead, what you

might try is involving her in the https://www.empoweringparents.com/article/the-surprising-reason-for-bad-child-behavior-i-cant-solve-problems/, and asking her what she thinks she needs, and what she will do

differently, to meet classroom expectations.  Please be sure to write back

and let us know how things are going for you and your family.  Take care.

tvllpit Very effective to  kids age of 5, 7, and 11 years old. Thank you for sharing your idea.

Thank you for

your question.  You are correct that we recommend setting up a structured

time for kids to do homework, yet not getting into a power struggle with them

if they refuse to do their work during that time.  It could be useful to

talk with your 11 year old about what makes it difficult to follow through with

doing homework at that time, and perhaps experimenting with doing homework at

another time to see if that works more effectively.  In the end, though,

if your child is simply refusing to do the work, then we recommend giving a

consequence and avoiding a power struggle.  Megan Devine details this

process more in her article, https://www.empoweringparents.com/article/end-the-nightly-homework-struggle-5-homework-strategies-that-work-for-kids/. 

Please let us know if you have any additional questions.  Take care.

jovi916 I'm a mother to a 10 year old 5th grader. Since 3rd grade I've been struggling with homework. That first year, I thought it was just lack of consistency since my children go between mine and dad's house. I tried setting some sort of system up with More the teacher to get back on track, but the teacher said it was the child's responsibility to get the hw done. This year has been esp. Difficult. He stopped doing hw, got an F, so I got on him. He stared turning half done work, but same grades so I still got on him. Grades went up, I loosened up, then he stopped with in school work. Now it's back to not turning anything in, even big projects and presentations. He had never really been allowed to watch tv, but now it's a definite no, I took his Legos away, took him out of sports. Nothing is working. He's basically sitting at the table every night, and all weekend long in order to get caught up with missing assignments. I'm worried, and next year he'll be in middle school. I try setting an example by studying in front of him. My daughter just does her homework and gets good grades. Idk what to do.

I can hear your concern. Academic achievement is important

to most parents and when your children seem to be struggling to complete their

work and get good grades, it can be distressing. Ultimately, your childrens’

school work and grades are their responsibility. You shouldn’t have to quit

your own studies in order to help them improve theirs. The above article gives

some great tips for helping motivate your children to complete their homework.

We do have a couple other articles you may also find useful: https://www.empoweringparents.com/article/10-ways-to-motivate-your-child-to-do-better-in-school/ & https://www.empoweringparents.com/article/sinking-fast-at-school-how-to-help-your-child-stay-afloat/. We appreciate you

writing in and hope you find the information useful. Take care.

RNM I have the exact same issues with my 8 year old. It makes me feel like I'm doing something wrong. He's a smart kid, he just doesn't seem to care to do his homework let alone if he gets a bad grade as a result. He hates reading, but does More very well in spelling and science. Homework is an issue nightly and the teacher pulled me aside today to tell me again how much he talks in class and that now he isn't writing down his assignments and is missing 3 assignments this week. SMH, I don't know what to do anymore other than to coach him (some more) and take away basketball if he doesn't do his homework.

What?  "Let homework stay where it belongs—between the teacher and the student. Refuse to get pulled in by the school.."  I do not see the logic or benefit of this advice.  Homework, by definition, is the responsibility of the student and parent (NOT the teacher).  The teacher does not live at the student's home or run the house.  

In my opinion, the lack of parental involvement with academics often causes the low student performance evident across the U.S.  I do not agree with advocating for even LESS parental involvement.

I completely agree with you. Parental, or adult, engagement at home can be a deal-maker/breaker when it comes to student performance. I subscribe to theories that differ from the author's.

First, if an adult is involved with the child and his activities, then the child will commonly react with "hey, somebody cares about me" leading to an increased sense of self-worth. A sense of caring about one's-self leads to caring about grades and other socially acceptable behaviors (Maslow).

Secondly, I am a FIRM believer in the techniques of behavior modification through positive reinforcement (Karen Pryor). It's up to an invested adult to determine what motivates the student and use those motivators to shape and reinforce desirable behavior such as daily homework completion. A classroom teacher has too many students and too little time to apply this theory.

Letting a child sink or swim by himself is a bad idea. Children have only one childhood; there are no do-overs.

And yes, children are work.

Many experience similar feelings of being at fault when

their child fails, so, you’re not alone. Truth of the matter is, allowing your

child to experience natural consequences of their actions by allowing them to

fail gives them the opportunity to look at themselves and change their

behavior.  We have a couple articles I think you may find helpful: When You Should Let Your Child Fail: The Benefits of Natural Consequences & 5 Natural Consequences You Should Let Your Child Face . Good luck to you and

your family moving forward. Take care.

hao hao It is so true, we can't control our children's home. It is their responsibility. But they don't care it. What can we do it?

indusreepradeep

How great it is that you want to help your brother be more

productive with his homework. He’s lucky to have a sibling who cares about him

and wants him to be successful. Because we are a website aimed at helping

parents develop better ways of managing acting out behavior, we are limited in

the advice we can offer you as his sibling. There is a website that may be able

to offer you some suggestions. http://www.yourlifeyourvoice.org/

is a website aimed at helping teens and young adults figure out ways of dealing

with challenges they may be facing in their lives. They offer several ways of

getting support, such as by e-mail or text, through an online forum and chat,

and also a call in helpline. You can check out what they have to offer at http://www.yourlifeyourvoice.org/. Good luck

to you and your family moving forward. Take care.

Kathleenann indusreepradeep

Thank you so much for your humble support....

It sounds like you have done a lot

of work to try to help your daughter achieve her educational goals, and it’s

normal to feel frustrated when she does not seem to be putting in the same

amount of effort.  It can be useful to keep your focus on whether your

daughter is doing her work, and to keep that separate from whether she “cares”

about doing her work.  Ultimately, it is up to your daughter to do her

work, regardless of how she appears to feel about it.  To that end, we

recommend working with the various local supports you have in place, such as

her therapists and others on her IEP team, to talk about what could be useful

to motivate your daughter to do her school work.  Because individuals with

autism can vary greatly with their abilities, it’s going to be more effective

to work closely with the professionals who are familiar with your daughter’s

strengths and level of functioning in order to develop a plan to address this

issue.  Thank you so much for writing in; we wish you and your daughter

all the best as you continue to address her difficulties with school. 

is there a blog for parents that went to Therapeutic boarding schooling for their adolescent?

Responses to questions posted on EmpoweringParents.com are not intended to replace qualified medical or mental health assessments. We cannot diagnose disorders or offer recommendations on which treatment plan is best for your family. Please seek the support of local resources as needed. If you need immediate assistance, or if you and your family are in crisis, please contact a qualified mental health provider in your area, or contact your statewide crisis hotline.

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• 1. What to Do When Your Child or Teen is Suspended or Expelled From School
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3 Things to Do When Your Kid Cries over Homework

“Noooo… I can’t do it.  I don’t have the time!!”

Have you heard this from your child when she sits down to do homework?  My gosh, it wrecks me.

I can feel her overwhelm. What can I do but jump in and try to help?

“It’s ok sweetie, let’s write down all the things you have to do to get it out of your head.”

“NO!” she pouts back, “That won’t help.  I don’t know any of this and I have to get started now.”

What do you do with that? 

You see the problem, you know the steps to take to fix it and yet your child pushes you away like you couldn’t possibly know what she’s talking about or what she’s dealing with.

I have a feeling its what our parents used to think about us.

Homework can become one neverending nightmare.  What do we do when our kids struggle with it and yet refuse our help?

Second, we need to prepare with a great response.

Read : How to Stay Calm and Win the Homework Battle

#1 We step back.

Kids want autonomy.   They want control over their lives.

Sometimes our well-meaning suggestions threaten that sense of control – especially as they get older.

FYI: This post contains affiliate links to products I love and recommend.  It costs you nothing extra if you purchase through my link, but I may get a small commission .

In her book Untangled: Guiding Girls Through the Seven Transitions Into Adulthood, Lisa Damour, Ph.D. tells the story of a girl Trina, whose mom tried to control her homework.  Well-meaning mom would stand over Trina making sure every problem was answered and correct.

Well, Trina did her homework.  But then, she refused to turn it in.

Only after Trina’s mom stepped back from homework to make it truly her daughter’s responsibility did Trina start turning in assignments.

Read: How to stop the homework fight even if your kid outright refuses to work

How to step back effectively

How did she do this?  She offered her help, but then tied Trina’s grades to the level of maturity she showed.  The more maturity she showed by her participation in school, the more privileges she had outside of it.

This consequence makes sense because 1) Trina’s parents needed to know they could trust her and 2) They truly wanted Trina to succeed.  It wasn’t punitive but rather a stepping stool to growing up.

With homework, we can offer our help but then we need to step back when our kids refuse to take it.

#2 We can’t reason with emotions

When I don’t want to do something—like, really don’t want to do something—I get emotional. You may do it, too. If you ever want to cry just thinking about doing all the dishes piling up in the sink, this will speak to you. 

We’re stressed. We’re overwhelmed. It’s a natural reaction and some people are better handling it than others.

Our kids get this way, too. After all the after-school activities and demands on their time, kids get understandably tired.

Kendra, a mom from Chandler, Arizona, says this is exactly how her son reacts to homework. She explains that, “if he’s mad and tired, he’s writing mad and tired.”

When our kids cry and look miserable, it triggers a huge protective instinct in us parents. We hate seeing them this way and think of any way we can make it better. Sometimes that means giving in and releasing them from homework for the night; or maybe it means you’re by their side as their personal cheerleader – cheering them through math, one painful equation at a time.

“C’mon you can do it. Just one more. Just one more.”

I release you from that responsibility. Not only does it stress you out, but your kiddo can feel your stress as well.

When emotions get high…

Instead, take a break.  There is no reason that kids need to power through homework in elementary school and middle school.

Is your kid overwhelmed? Take the homework away.

One of two things will happen:

• Either they’ll keep crying and break down further which gives you the chance to swoop in and give some serious cuddling.
• Or they’ll stop the crying to get their homework back. 

When this happens, you know that the tantrum was manipulative.  It was to get something out of you, whether it was the answers or your step-by-step coaching. 

#3 We need to teach kids to motivate themselves

We ‘re all forced to do unpleasant tasks (hello, pooper scoop in the backyard!) And yet, by the time we’re adults, we know how to push through those less-than-desirable tasks to achieve the results we’re after.

Read: The Four Skills Kids Must Master in Elementary School Homework

In fact, this is a necessary qualification to be successful. If success were all fun, everyone would get there.

We must treat homework the same.

• Those twenty math facts need to be practiced.
• Those spelling words you don’t know how to spell need to be written.
• That math worksheet you’re scared of: the quicker you’re into it, the quicker you’re out. 

As a parent, we don’t have the time or energy to be a constant cheerleader to our kids. 

And, even if we did, it wouldn’t serve them in the long run. 

That’s OK because I’ll teach you strategies that you can then teach your children on how to motivate themselves through difficult (and boring) assignments. 

The Answer to Homework Hell

When our kids complain through nightly homework, it digs into us.  I’m hesitant to say it causes us physical pain, but it kind of does.

However, by stepping back, not trying to reason with emotions and teaching our kids how to motivate themselves, we will see improvement.

Our kids will fight us less.

Homework time will be less of a dreaded task. 

If homework is a struggle and you need support as a parent, go get my book Drama Free Homework: A Parent’s Guide to Eliminating Homework Battles and Raising Focused Kids. In it, I walk you through creating a homework routine that’s right for your family.

Want me to PERSONALLY teach your child the necessary homework skills?  Then, Homework 911 is for you. 

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8 Tips to Help Your Child With Homework

We get it—no matter your child’s age, getting homework done can be a challenge. Even for children in elementary school, their homework takes time, focus, and energy to complete. So here are 8 essential tips to help a child with their homework:

Minimize Distractions

Make it as easy as possible for your child to focus during homework time. Don’t have the television on in the background and make sure phones, tablets, and games are put away. This will also help signal to them that homework is a priority!

Create a Homework Space

Designating one place for homework helps establish a routine for your child. They will know to take their assignment from their backpack, bring it to the homework space, and return it to their backpack when they’re finished.

Recognize Your Child’s Abilities

Some children need to come home and work on their homework right away before they start playing and lose track of time. Others need a break after a long day at school and benefit from a little down time at home before starting their assignments.

Connect It To the Real World

If your child complains of homework being boring, try to emphasize how they will use what they’re learning outside of school. Not only can this help increase motivation, but it also shows how what they are learning this year builds on what they learned last year and already know.

Review, Review, Review

Remind your child that checking their work is part of doing homework. Reviewing after completing problems is not optional, and is actually part of every assignment.

Don’t Get Frustrated

You may need to give your child multiple reminders about the steps involved in doing homework. Especially when starting a new school year or coming back from long breaks, it can take a little time to get back into an after-school routine.

Remember Who the Student Is

Find the line between helping your child with their homework and completing it for them. Remember that sometimes the takeaway from the lesson isn’t the answer to the problem, but your child learning how to problem solve and find the answer.

Talk With the Teacher

If your child is working on their homework all night and can’t get it done before bedtime, set up a meeting to talk with their teacher. Many teachers are able to alter assignments to make the amount of homework each night more manageable for your child. It’s better to talk sooner to ensure your child gets the help they need before falling too far behind.

Try these ways to help support your child as they do their homework. Use these ideas to help make homework time easier!

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Blog Post > “My Child Refuses to Do Homework” Here’s How to Stop the Struggle

• “My Child Refuses to Do Homework” Here’s How to Stop the Struggle

Over the past few weeks I have had many frustrated parents in my office discussing issues that they were having with their child refusing to do homework. Most of the parents I talked to described homework taking hours and ending with everyone frustrated and upset. This is a nightly occurrence and both the child and parent struggle with a solution. The following article from www.empoweringparents.com by Janet Lehman, MSW has some helpful hints that might just end this nightly struggle. — Megan Yaraschuk, M.Ed., PCC

“My Child Refuses to Do Homework” Here’s How to Stop the Struggle by Janet Lehman, MSW

Do you get sucked into a fight over homework with your child every night? So many parents tell me that this is one of their top struggles with their kids. If you’re dealing with this now, you probably dread saying the words, “Okay, time to do your homework,” because you know what’s coming next — screaming, stomping, book-throwing and slammed doors. Or it might simply be hours of dealing with your complaining, whining or non-compliant child or teen who just hates to do the work. Even though you reason, lecture, nag and yell, nothing seems to change — and each night turns into a battle with no victors.

Trust me, I get it. I have to admit that dealing with my son’s homework was one of my least favorite experiences as a parent. It felt overwhelming to me; often, I just wasn’t equipped to offer the help he needed. Our son struggled with a learning disability, which made the work and the amount of time required feel unending at times — both to him and to us. My husband James was much better at helping him, so he took on this responsibility — but even with this division of labor, we had to make adjustments to our schedules, our lives and our expectations to make sure our son turned it in on time.

They Don’t Call It “Homework” for Nothing

Here’s something I learned along the way: homework is work, and there’s no getting around that fact. It’s a chore for both the child and parent. It’s important to understand that schoolwork is often the most difficult part of your child’s busy schedule. Helping your kids manage it despite all the other activities they would rather be doing can be challenging at best. Remember that it’s your child’s job to go to school and learn (including getting homework completed) and your job to provide for your kids, run the house and offer love and guidance to your children.

I know from experience how easy it is to get caught up in power struggles over homework. These struggles begin for several reasons, but the most common one is because your child would rather be relaxing, playing, texting with friends, or doing almost anything else. Know that if you deal with their frustration by losing it and getting mad out of your own frustration, it will be a losing battle. Some kids are even able to manipulate parents this way, because they know the battle over homework may result in your giving up on expectations to get it done.

Here’s the truth: letting your child off the hook for their work will ultimately create problems in their lives. Instead, focus on the fact that as a parent, you need to teach your child how to follow through on expectations and be accountable. All the more reason to take control and make homework just another part of your child’s daily responsibilities.

Here’s my advice for reducing homework hassles in your home:

• Try to stay calm : Try to avoid losing your cool and yelling and screaming, arguing about the right answer for the math problem or the right way to do the geography quiz, ignoring the homework altogether or being inconsistent with what you expect, being overly critical, or giving up and just doing the work for your child. The first step is to try to stay as calm as you can. If you get frustrated and start yelling and screaming at your child, this sets a negative tone and is likely not going to help them get the work done.
• Set clear expectation around homework time and responsibilities. Let your children know that you expect them to get the work done on time and to the best of their abilities; the most important thing is that they try their best. Set aside the same time each afternoon or evening for them to do their work. Understand that kids are all different in how they feel about and approach homework. Some may find English easy, but get really frustrated with math. Another may be a science whiz, but have no patience when it comes to writing. It’s important to know your child: their strengths and struggles, and how they learn. Some kids need small breaks throughout a session, while others may need the task to be broken down into smaller pieces and then varied. While there are some children and teens who are self-directed and able to complete homework without assistance, most require some type of guidance and/or monitoring, depending on their age. This makes it especially challenging for parents, because it means you need to perform different functions with each child you have, depending on their needs.
• Have a relationship with your child’s teacher. Try your best to build a good relationship with your child’s teacher. Start off at the beginning of the school year and stay in touch as the year progresses. Your relationship with your child’s teachers will pay off during the good times as well as the challenging times.
• Play the parental role most useful to your child. Some kids need a coach; others need a “monitor,” while others need more hands-on guidance to complete tasks. Try to match your help with what is most needed. Remember also that your child is doing the homework as a school assignment. The teacher will ultimately be the judge of how good or bad, correct or incorrect the work is. You’re not responsible for the work itself, your responsibility is to guide your child. You can always make suggestions, but ultimately it’s your child’s responsibility to do his or her assignments, and the teacher’s job to grade them.
• Keep activities similar with all your kids. If you have several kids, have them all do similar activities during homework time. Even if one child has less homework or finishes more quickly, they need to be respectful of their siblings by doing quiet, non-disruptive activities.
• Set up a structured time and place for homework. Choose a time and place and stick to a routine as much as possible. Consider adding in break times for kids with shorter attention spans. They might work on their spelling words for 15 minutes, and then take a 5 minute break, for example. Offer snacks to keep kids “fueled” for the work. Keep the house generally quiet for everyone during homework time—turn off the TV (or at least keep the volume down). Make sure your kids have a “space” for doing their work. For some kids this will mean a large work space like a kitchen table to spread out their papers and books, and for others it may mean a small quiet area in their room.
• Start early: Start early with your young children setting up “homework” time, even if it’s just some quiet reading time each night. This helps get them used to the expectation of doing some “homework” each night and will pay off as the actual work gets harder and more time-consuming.
• Offer “Hurdle Help”: Some kids need what we call “hurdle help.” Let’s say your child has big test to study for, but can’t seem to get started. You can help out by running through the first few problems, for example, until he gets the hang of it. Or you might brainstorm with your teen to help her choose a topic for the big paper she has to write. You’re not doing the work for them, rather, you’re helping them get going so the task doesn’t seem so daunting.
• Choose the best person for the job: If you are part of a couple, consider that one of you might be better at “teaching” and then let that person take on the homework monitoring responsibilities. It will likely help the routine become more consistent and effective for your child. If you are a single parent, you might have a friend or family member (an older cousin who’s good at math, or a neighbor who’s a writer, for example) who would consider helping your child from time to time.
• Offer empathy and support. If your child is really struggling, give them some support and guidance and show some empathy. Kids are expected to do some difficult work, and your child may sincerely be struggling with it. If you have a child who is really having a hard time, it’s important to have communication with the teacher to see if this is typical for all kids, or if it’s unique to your child. If your child also has these problems in class, know that there are different approaches to helping them learn that can be useful. The teacher may recommend some testing to see if there are learning problems. While this can be hard to hear as a parent – as if something is wrong with your child – it’s important to find out how your child learns best and what your teacher and you can do to support their learning style.
• Use positive reinforcement and incentives: It’s always important to reinforce positive behavior, and that may mean offering some kind of incentive for completing homework or getting good grades. Most kids get personal satisfaction out of getting good grades and completing their work, and that’s what we’re aiming for. But, it’s also helpful to offer some incentives to encourage them. Rather than money, I would recommend offering rewarding activities for your child’s academic successes. This could include going shopping for some “goodie” the child has really wanted, renting their favorite movie and having “movie night” at home, or other ways of spending special time with a parent. These things can become more meaningful than money for most kids and they get to experience their parent in a loving, supportive and reinforcing role.

Most kids will never really “enjoy” homework, and for some it will always be a struggle. Our children all have different strengths and abilities, and while some may never be excellent students, they might be great workers, talented artists, or thoughtful builders. While it would be easier if all children were self-motivated students who came home, sat down and dug into their homework, this just isn’t going to be the case with most kids. As James often said to parents, “We need to learn to parent the child we have – not the child we’d like them to be.” Our role is to guide our children, support them through the challenging tasks, and teach them about personal responsibility.

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10 Ways to Reduce Homework Stress

Posted 17 jul '18.

It is no secret that homework causes stress for students and parents.   There are battles, frustrations and tears and parents are left wondering what they are doing wrong.  The main difficulty is that kids have different and fluctuating reasons for not wanting to do homework.  Just when you think you have it all figured out, the reason changes and the frustrations come back.   When your child is overwhelmed or frustrated by homework, it can have a negative impact on his or her ability to focus and retain information. It can also lead to your child procrastinating on his or her homework (or simply not completing it), creating an ongoing cycle of stress.

However, this feeling of not being in control can be avoided by simply adjusting your study habits. Homework and study can actually be a rewarding, satisfying experience if done in an organised and efficient way.  Here are 10 tips on how to achieve that.

1. Practise good time management skills

Time management is key to avoiding homework stress. Plotting out the time needed to complete homework or assignments can quickly make what seems like an overwhelming task much less stressful to approach.  Make sure your child is focused on the task at hand and remove all distractions.  

• Set aside a certain amount of time each day  to work on your child's homework, and choose a time that sits you both. 
• Use a calendar or school planner  to plot out homework. List important dates, when things are due and when your child has exams. This will help you have a good visual of things they need to work towards.
• Allow enough time to complete your work . Making sure you give yourself enough time to complete your work is crucial in avoiding a meltdown. Be realistic. Estimate how long you think it will take each day to complete your homework, and allow plenty of time for bigger projects and assignments.

2. Ask questions 

One of the biggest cause of homework stress is not understanding the question or how to solve the problem at hand.   As much as parents would like to help their children with homework, the material taught in school has changed a lot over the years. If your child is struggling with homework, ask them to make a list of questions he or she can take to the teacher to get the help needed to understand the assignment.

3. Get started early

Every day after school, sit down with your child and go over homework assignments for each class. Help him or her make a list of what should be completed that night and get started early. Waiting to get started until later in the evening means your child has less time (and energy) to complete his or her homework, leading more stress for both of you.

4. Stay organised

A cluttered homework station can be distracting. Make sure the space is kept neat and tidy and has all the supplies your child will need to complete his or her homework, including pencils, paper, and textbooks. 

5. Get a good nights sleep

Get your child into a regular sleep routine, so he or she has a chance to recharge after the day. Children aged 6-13 years old should get 9 to 11 hours of sleep each night, while teenagers need 8 to 10 hours of sleep. This will significantly help focus, memory, decision making and creativity, all of which are important inside and outside of the classroom. 

6.  Review your agenda regularly

Your child should have an agenda where he or she writes down all homework and assignments given by the teacher. Have your child review the agenda each day to make sure he or she knows what homework assignments need to be completed.  

7. Organise a homework group

Creating a homework group can help make homework less overwhelming by giving your child the chance to go over the material with his or her classmates. This gives kids the opportunity to better understand the material by teaching it to each other and working through any questions as a team.

8. Walk away if it is overwhelming 

If your child is starting to feel anxious or overwhelmed by your work, take five deep breaths and give him or her a moment of calm. Deep breathing will help control their nervous system and encourage their body to relax, bringing them into a better state to concentrate.   Encourage your child to take a break and come back to it giving your child a clear mind to restart where they left off. 

9. Make time to relax 

Set aside time for your child to do something that he or she enjoys, whether it’s an activity at home or an organised extracurricular activity. On top of helping your child get important exercise, it will also give him or her a break from homework stress and an outlet for any frustration or extra energy.

10. Stick to a schedule 

Help your child plan out his or her time, scheduling time for homework, chores, activities, and sleep. Keep this schedule handy so your child knows what he or she should be working on, and when.

NO MORE HOMEWORK STRESS  

Learning how to handle homework stress will help your child get more out of homework assignments, while also helping him or her develop better learning habits. Using these tips, your child can learn to tackle homework with more confidence and less frustration.

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3 Tips to Help a Frustrated Child Finish Their Homework

Out of all of the challenges faced by parents and children, academic frustration and completing homework are the top two. Combine these, and you have problems. Homework help is just around the corner. Follow these tips for a more sane homework experience.

“ The homework we give is not busy work. It might be preparation for the next day’s lesson, practice that day’s lesson, or it might be to research beyond the textbook, or it might be to study for exams.” – Nels Pitotti

Why Homework?

Today it’s not uncommon to hear of cities, counties, and even states making homework illegal. Many families are against homework, as are many teachers. However, most places still allow homework and even promote it.

While it may be challenging – especially if your child is already frustrated with school – it is a necessary and positive tool that acts to further elaborate the skills presented in the classroom.

In fact, all homework issued to your child is given for the purpose to practice skills, preparation for the next level, or as an extension to reinforce their knowledge. This brings us to the first tip:

Tip #1: Encourage Your Child by Explaining the Purpose of Homework

A child that is already frustrated with school and the lessons presented there will often become frustrated when they receive homework because they don’t understand why their teacher insists on assigning it. You can encourage your child by explaining that it is a review, preparation, or the practice of skills to make them better at the skills and concepts presented.

The child that understands the purpose of their homework is a child that will be more receptive to having homework assigned and completing it.

Why Do Children Become Frustrated With Their Homework?

Out of all of the reasons that exist for frustrating with homework, the most common is that the child doesn’t completely understand the skills and concepts being presented in the assignment. When those skills and concepts are not understood, the child must work harder and longer to gain an understanding. In turn, this prolongs the amount of time that they must spend doing homework. As a parent,  homework help  is the best thing you can do for them.

Tip #2: Review the Skills and Concepts Presented to Enrich Understanding

Parents typically have a broader understanding of the world and the concepts, thereof. It is quite likely that you will be familiar with the skills and concepts being presented to your child through their homework.

If so, review it with them.

You know your child, the way that they learn, and what drives them to become frustrated. Chances are, you will know how to best present the information to them so that it “clicks”. If you find that you are not comfortable with this task, you may enlist the assistance of a tutor or academic coach to review the skills and concepts presented to enrich understanding.

Homework Schedules and Time Management Routines

When a child gets home from school, they are often looking forward to a break. They may also be looking forward to spending time with friends, playing, or participating in extracurricular activities. In most instances, the last thing on their mind is homework.

If homework IS on their mind, it is quite likely that they are looking forward to it with nothing but dread. You can help by helping your child with a homework schedule or a time management routine. Each child is different. The schedule that you create will need to be tailored to them. It should go around extracurricular activities, play time, chore time, and other important times.

Tip #3: Work with Your Child to Create a Time Management Routine, Ensuring “Fun” Time is Scheduled

If your child is frustrated with their homework, the last thing you should do is make them do it right away, before anything else. You should also avoid creating a homework schedule that forces them to sit for long periods of time doing the assignments. Break the homework up a little, mix in family time, fun time, and all of the rest. You will quickly discover that they experience less frustration, gain a better understanding of the content that they are reviewing or preparing for, and that they are happier.

If your child needs homework help, contact us here at Miracle Math Coaching for further assistance

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Reducing Homework Stress

By Lori Lite

Just say the word homework to most teens, children, or parents and watch their whole mood change as every cell of their mind and body heads into stress mode. Holidays, weekends, and downtime is a great time to have a new look at how you and your children approach homework. Reducing homework stress can turn homework into a positive experience that teaches your child lifelong skills. When homework is too extensive and time consuming it can have a negative impact on your entire family. Stress can get in the way of a child’s ability to learn and retain information. Take a good look at your child’s homework routine. If your child ends up crying, sleep deprived or quitting activities to have more time to complete assignments they may be experiencing stress overload.

• Break it down. Set smaller goals to complete a portion of the assignment.  Reward your child with a break.  Let your child set a timer to alert them that their break is over. This eliminates power struggles and empowers children.
• Encourage children to review work each night so that when it is time for a test they are not overloaded with information.
• Use affirmations or positive statements like, “I can do it.” “I am relaxed and calm.” ” I am learning new things.”
• Set up an area in your home dedicated to homework and studying. An area clear of chaos makes it easier to focus and feel calm. Have an aromatherapy option. A diffuser with Peppermint can help children focus and concentrate. Peace & Calm can help children calm down.
• Teach children relaxation techniques . Take a deep breath in and say “Ahhhhh” to release anger and frustration. Stress management should be introduced during calm moments so they can be implemented when needed.
• Have a healthy snack or even a meal before homework. It is difficult to concentrate and feel balanced when hungry or eating sugar. I actually served a full dinner at 3:30 when my kids got off the bus and before they sat down for homework. This adjustment made a huge difference.
• Brain breaks should be taken. Don’t expect children to be able to sit still for long periods of time. Let them move as needed. Blow bubbles outside in the fresh air. Do jumping jacks, run, or have a good laugh. Exercising and deep breathing brings oxygen to your child’s brain and reduces stress.
• Stay positive about and during homework. Children listen and internalize negative statements and movements. A positive hopeful attitude is contagious. If you believe they can do it…they will believe they can do it.
• Help your child understand directions, organize, and create a time management plan.  Many children waste time by doing the homework incorrectly because they did not understand the directions. Going over them ahead of time saves time and frustration. Don’t forget your teen . They have more on their plate and could use your guidance and experience.
• Ask your children what type of music helps them to feel more relaxed when they work. Allow them to find what works for them. Indigo Dreams: Kid’s Relaxation Music  was created specifically for children. It is relaxing and uplifting. Some children need complete quiet and some do better with background noise. Let them learn what works best for them and honor it.

Even with taking steps to alleviate stress, experts warn that difficult homework assignments and the pressure to complete multiple projects can cause anxiety, frustration, and even anger for kids. Homework that creates an anxiety-ridden child is defeating the overall goal of creating a well-rounded, balanced, successful child. Parents need to step in and get involved if they see this happening to their child. Be an advocate for your child. If they are overwhelmed by homework and it is affecting their quality of life, speak up. You child’s teacher will appreciate your honesty.

Indigo Dreams  shorter stories with relaxation techniques for younger child.  Indigo Ocean Dreams longer stories with relaxation techniques for older children. Indigo Teen Dreams guided instructions with relaxation techniques for teens. Indigo Dreams: Adult Relaxation guided instructions with relaxation techniques for adults. Indigo Dreams: Garden of Wellness stories for all children includes bubble blowing technique to release anger and  positive statements to encourage healthy eating. Indigo Dreams: 3 CD Set : All 3 children’s CDs: 3 Hours of stories, techniques & stories

Stress Free Kids founder Lori Lite  is a freelance blogger, social media strategist, parenting expert,  and successful entrepreneur. Her  line of books and CDs are designed to help children, teens, and adults decrease stress,  anxiety , and anger. Ms. Lite’s books, CDs, and lesson plans are considered a resource for parents, psychologists, therapists, child life specialists, teachers, doctors, and yoga instructors.  Lori’s award winning books received national attention on Shark Tank and her sort after accessible tips have been featured in hundreds of publications to include: CNN Living, Real Simple Magazine, USA Today, Family Circle, Working Mother Magazine, and Web MD.  For more information visit   Stress Free Kids  and for daily advice follow Lori on  Twitter  and  Facebook .

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Top 5 Homework Frustrations — and Fixes for Each

Kids with adhd often struggle with homework, but each one struggles in a unique way. is your child a disorganized danny procrastinating penny distractible daria whatever his specific homework challenges, here are equally specific solutions that really work for kids with adhd..

Tired of the Homework Wars?

If your child with ADHD hates doing homework, you’re not alone. Executive function deficits, inattention, and learning challenges can make after-school assignments torture for our kids — and us parents, too! Here, Ann Dolin, M.Ed, offers specific strategies that address the most common homework-related frustrations, like disorganization or procrastination. Does your child fit any of these common profiles?

Disorganized Danny

Many children with ADHD have difficulty with paper flow, meaning they have trouble keeping track of the assignments coming in and out. Let’s call this child “Disorganized Danny.” Dealing with a messy binder can be frustrating for parent and child alike — particularly when the homework is completed and then lost before being turned in!

Solutions for Disorganized Danny

The key is to treat organization like a subject . Instead of kicking off homework time with a math assignment or a vocabulary list, start by dedicating a few minutes to organization. Go through your child’s binder with him, sorting through papers and working together on some organizational strategies. If your child struggles to file papers in a 3-ring binder, for example, ask her if she’d like to try an accordion folder instead — and teach her how to use it properly.

[ Get This Free Download: IEPs vs. 504s ]

The Launching Pad

Use a launching pad to help Danny handle chaotic mornings. Each night, you have your child place everything for school — backpack, library books, sports equipment, etc. — in a box placed by the front door. The next morning, he has everything he needs — and can “launch” into the day in an organized fashion.

The "Clean Sweep"

Organization won’t work unless it’s practiced consistently. That means Danny should conduct a clean sweep once a week. Every Sunday evening for 20 minutes, your child sits and organizes her binder — while you sort through your purse or the junk drawer. Everybody does something to maintain organization, and your kid gets in the habit of keeping her school things tidy.

Procrastinating Penny

We often see a child’s tendency to put off homework assignments as a character flaw; we assume she “just doesn’t want to.” But in many cases the child wants to start — she just feels overwhelmed or underprepared. This child is Procrastinating Penny.

Solutions for Procrastinating Penny

To help children who procrastinate, first  lower the barrier to entry . Make starting homework so easy anyone can do it. Here are two main strategies:

1. By task : Pick one small task that your child can do to get started. If he’s been assigned an essay, have him start by writing the title page. If she’s been assigned a math worksheet with 20 problems, get her to complete the first two — then follow up with a short break.

2. By time : Some children need a timer. I find it’s best to use 10 minutes — I call it the “Tolerable 10.” Just tell your child, “Okay just focus as hard as you can, as best as you can, for just 10 minutes.” Once time is up, allow him to walk a lap around the living room or do a quick stretch.

Whether motivated by task or by time , your child will see that once the barrier to entry has been lowered, the job isn’t really that hard.

[ Get This Free Handout: Easy Accommodations for Kids with ADHD ]

Longer Projects

Procrastinating Penny often doesn’t know how much time to dedicate to a long-term assignment — and ends up doing the whole thing in a mad rush the night before it's due. As a parent, you need to help Penny understand time in a more concrete way. Try using a simple reward system to motivate your child to complete small parts of the project. For example, take a large Tootsie Roll and break it into four parts, and say to your child, “What are four things you need to do to get this project done?” Once she’s identified four reasonable steps, explain that you’ll reward her with one piece of the Tootsie Roll each time a step is completed. Remember, we’re not trying to bribe our kids. We just want to help them think in steps, which is super valuable for long-term projects.

Distractible Daria

Distractibility comes in two forms: We have our fidgeters, and we have our daydreamers. Fidgety kids are always moving — rocking back and forth in their chair, or repeatedly clicking their pen, or twisting their hair while doing homework. For parents or tutors helping them, this constant movement can become annoying and distracting. On the other end of the spectrum are the daydreamers , who tend to take a 15-minute assignment and drag it out to an hour or longer — simply because they’re unable to stay focused. They may start looking out the window, or doodling on the corner of the paper, instead of paying attention to the task at hand.

Helping a Fidgeter

Research shows that distractible kids need to fidget in order to focus; in other words, telling them to “sit still” is actually counterproductive. Instead, give them a fidget toy , which is a small handheld object that can be fidgeted with in a non-disruptive way. I like the Tangle Junior , but you can also use a stress ball, unfilled balloons, or a small strip of Velcro taped to the bottom of the desk — your child can rub her fingers on it while she works, without anyone else being any the wiser!

Helping a Daydreamer

Use a reminder system . Ask your child how many reminders she thinks she’ll need to finish an assignment — if she’s unsure, start with three. Then, it’s your job to stick to that number — no matter what. The first time, gently call her attention to her distraction and say, “You’re working on number 5 of your math worksheet right now.” Daria will start again, and the next time you see her drifting, try again: “This is your second reminder; I’m only going to give you one more.” If you see her drifting off again, “You just have two more problems! This is the last reminder I’m going to give you, so finish up as best you can.” This strategy takes the “nagging” element out of the equation, and makes your child aware of her own distractibility.

Setting a Stop Time

You can also help daydreamers by setting a stop time . This allows the child to see an end in sight, and structure her own time accordingly. Tell your child, “It’s 4:15. This assignment needs to be done by 4:45. I’ll give you three reminders like we discussed.” Then — and this is the key part — at 4:45, you need to make sure your child puts away the assignment — completed or not. Most kids really, really hate to go to school without their work done, and this strategy helps them manage their time and see that, even if the assignment is difficult, it’s not endless.

Rushing Ryan

Then there are the kids who speed wildly through their homework, just to get it done as fast as they can. Rushing Ryan does his homework very quickly, without regard for whether it’s right or if he's showcasing his best work. He just wants it done as quickly as possible.

Solutions for Rushing Ryan

With Ryan, use a designated homework time , which is based on the premise that children of each grade level should spend a certain amount of time on homework. A good rule of thumb is that children should be spending 10 minutes per grade level each night. So a 3rd grader should have about 30 minutes of homework, while a 6th grader can have up to 60. If your 3rd grader is miraculously completing all her homework in 3 minutes, she may be a whiz — or she may be rushing through it. Parents can say, “No matter how much homework you say you have, you have to sit and do homework for 30 minutes every night. If you really run out of things to do, you can read a book or practice your math facts.” In most cases, this set period of time really reduces rushing, because your child will know that no matter what, they won’t be able to get up and play Xbox after 3 minutes.

Frustrated Frances

Sometimes, homework upsets our children. Executive function deficits, learning disabilities, or difficult subjects can make children cry or lash out during homework time. When Frustrated Frances gets upset, her amygdala (the emotion center of the brain) is on fire, and it overrides her prefrontal cortex — making her less able to focus on homework or reason her way through problems.

Helping Frustrated Frances

When Frances gets frustrated, the best strategy is to disengage . Trying to reason with a child during a meltdown often doesn’t work; they’re too upset to listen to logic, and being told to “calm down” can be invalidating. If your child gets upset, say something like, “I can tell this is difficult for you. Come and get me when you’re ready to start again.” In many cases, your child will calm down on her own terms, and start again when she’s ready.

Practicing Empathy

If disengaging doesn’t work for your child, another strategy is to name the feeling . This is a way of practicing empathy that helps kids feel like they’re being heard. Say something like, “I can tell you’re frustrated. You know what? I completely understand why you’re angry.” Or, “You’re right, Ms. Smith gave you a lot of homework tonight. I can see why you feel that this is unfair.” Naming the feeling is really powerful for kids — it helps them understand their often-overwhelming emotions, and lets them know that their feelings and frustrations matter to you.

Moving Past Meltdowns

When it comes to helping Frances move forward after a setback, parents have three options to help : do the difficult problem for him (not good!), refuse to help entirely (also not good!), or ask her to show you how to do the problem (best choice!). Ask your child to search for similar examples in her textbook or notes, or talk through how she can proceed. By asking your child to work through the problem on her own — but in your presence — it gives her the independent skills to solve her own problems, without cutting her off completely.

Asking for Accommodations

If your child is still struggling to complete their homework even after trying these strategies for a month, consider asking for an accommodation for less homework.

P.S. A great tool for homework is the Time Timer , which helps kids that don’t quite understand clock time see how much time has elapsed and how much time they have left.

[ Take This Quiz: How Well Do You Know Special Ed Law? ]

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How to Stop Fighting With Your Kids Over Homework

Is homework a constant source of tension in your household? Students and education experts offer advice to well-meaning parents.

Did you finish those math problems? Did you study enough for that big test? Why do you have a zero??!!

Parents ask their kids these and dozens of other questions about homework weekly, if not daily.

“Parents are very paranoid when it comes to homework,” says Rachel (not her real name)*, a freshman at Bishop O’Connell who, at the time of this interview, was still adjusting to the rigors of a new school. “They don’t always have enough trust in their children when it comes to getting their work done.”

Rachel understands that her parents are concerned about her grades but says their frequent inquiries and checking of her school’s online portal only puts more stress on her. She wishes they had more faith in her abilities. “Loosen up and expect us to get done what we need to,” she says.

It’s a common dynamic in Northern Virginia’s competitive landscape of high-achieving parents and high-achieving kids. “Often homework turns into a fight or a nagging situation or an attempt to overcontrol or micromanage,” says Miriam Liss, a professor of psychological science at the University of Mary Washington and co-author of Balancing the Big Stuff: Finding Happiness in Work, Family, and Life . It becomes a “negative cycle where parents nag, and children get frustrated and find homework to be stressful.

Then they want to do homework less.”

But what’s a concerned parent to do—particularly if their child seems to be struggling with schoolwork? We asked 15 local students, ages 13 to 18, and a handful of education experts for their advice. Here’s what they think you should know.

Your child does care about school.

Too often parents leap to the conclusion that Jack didn’t complete an assignment or Christina scored poorly on a test because they don’t care. That’s almost never the case, says Debbie Rosen, founder and co-owner of The StudyPro , a study skills and homework coaching center in McLean.

What may be lacking is not the motivation but the strategy, says Rosen, whose own son was diagnosed with ADHD at age 7. Frustrated that the services in the area didn’t fully address his needs, she founded her company in 2016 when her son was 16.

Some students simply need an initiation strategy to get started—such as reading the directions out loud, highlighting key words or pasting the prompt they have chosen to answer into a Google doc. The key is figuring out what works best for each student’s learning style.

If you fear your child truly doesn’t see homework as important, consider having a family discussion about it, suggests Susan Kuczmarski, author of The Sacred Flight of the Teenager: A Parent’s Guide to Stepping Back and Letting Go . (Based in Chicago, she is also a professor at the Kellogg School of Management at Northwestern University.) Call a meeting to “come up with a family set of values that includes everyone’s interests,” she says. “Parents might think it’s obvious, but it may not be to the child.”

While you’re at it, says Liss, ask your kids what they hope to achieve, grade-wise, so you aren’t the only one dictating what’s acceptable. “Make sure they have buy-in. They should have their own goals.”

They don’t want you to do their work for them.

In fact, you might not even know how. Some subjects, like math, are taught differently now than they were back in the day. “Sometimes when I’m doing math homework, my parents learned it one way and I’m learning it another,” says Ellie*, an eighth-grader at Dorothy Hamm Middle School. “So they can’t really help me.”

If you’re tempted to do your kids’ homework with them (or, worst case, for them), know that this can backfire. Liss points to a 2018 Frontiers in Psychology study that followed 336 ninth-graders in China and tracked their math achievements. The researchers differentiated between “autonomy-oriented support” (i.e., paying attention to children’s ideas and encouraging their homework initiative) and “content-oriented support” (offering direct help on homework). The former approach, the study found, “resulted in higher subsequent achievement” on two standardized tests, whereas the latter led to “higher subsequent effort, but lower subsequent achievement,” regardless of gender.

They may not realize it, but parents who step in and do the work are “communicating the message to children that they can’t do this, that they’re not competent,” Liss says. Such intervention can erode a student’s confidence in their own abilities.

Kuczmarski kindly but bluntly urges parents to get out of the way. “My strong feeling is that homework is between the child and the teacher and not the child and the parent,” she says. “If the child or teen is having trouble with homework, they need to go to the teacher. The beauty of this is that it teaches responsibility very early on.”

Kids can start self-advocating as soon as they’re comfortable doing so, she says—definitely by fourth grade. In the long run, it’s a critical life skill: “We don’t want them to go to college and call their parents and say, ‘I can’t do the homework.’ We want them to go to the faculty members and ask for guidance.”

Arturo*, a ninth-grader at Wakefield High School, notes that many of his teachers allow students to start their homework in the last 10 minutes of class. That’s by design. “I definitely find it helpful, especially for classes like math,” he says. “My teacher’s there to support me.”

The problem isn’t always what you think it is.

Missing assignment? Bad grade? The issue may not lie in the material. Sometimes other factors are at play. For instance, parents might assume the school’s online portal is easy for kids to navigate, and that’s not always the case. “Often kids don’t know where the assignment is,” observes Kristin Linder Carpenter, founder of Linder Educational Coaching in Arlington. If a teacher changes digital platforms or adopts a new system mid-year, that can throw students off their game.

For older elementary- and middle-school-age students, being aware of the school’s recommendations for time spent on homework is helpful. (Arlington Public Schools has grade-by-grade guidelines and is currently in the process of revising its overall homework policy.) If your student is taking longer than their peers to complete a task, be sure to communicate that to the teacher (this is a time when parental intervention is warranted). It could signal a learning disability or executive functioning challenges.

Yes, some students do struggle with regulating screen time and managing distractions, Rosen says, and they might be tempted to click over to Discord or watch a quick TikTok video when they are supposed to be working. “It’s like the dark playground for them. They’re on it, but they’re not really having that much fun because they know they should be doing other things.”

But punitive measures aren’t necessarily the solution. Rosen suggests asking your child what’s getting in the way of their goals. Helping kids to reflect on their own patterns is the first step toward changing behavior. If they admit to screen distractions, try creating separate desktop profiles for homework vs. fun. That way they’re “not actually seeing the [play] tab that may be the most tempting,” she says.

Factoring short breaks into study time can also be helpful. Dorothy Hamm student Ellie does so routinely and has advised her two younger siblings to follow her lead. “Never just keep doing it if you think you’re about to explode,” says the eighth-grader, who often goes outside or reads a book for a few minutes to clear her head. “Take a break and then get back to it.”

If they’re struggling, they want to talk—but not if you’re angry or checked out.

Yelling about homework never produces the desired outcome. Let’s say you catch Alex watching YouTube instead of writing that essay. Rather than reacting in the heat of the moment, try asking questions later, once the emotion has passed. It’ll be a more productive conversation, whereas putting your child on the defensive will only strain your relationship.

Avoiding accusatory or inflammatory language will also help your child feel supported. “It’s really critical to water the seeds and not the weeds,” Rosen says, advocating positive reinforcement. Instead of focusing on “the weeds” (what’s not working), try to find something good in what your student is doing. Compliment them on a strategy they’re using, such as making flash cards or trying to edit their own work.

Also, put down your phone and give them your undivided attention. “When kids are vulnerable with us, that usually comes at the most inappropriate or inconvenient time,” says Lindsey Thoms, who co-owns The StudyPro with Rosen and serves as the center’s director. “If they are showing vulnerability, be grateful for that moment—even if it’s past the due date and they’re deep in that hole.”

Nina*, a senior at Washington-Liberty, says her parents are often unreceptive when she wants to talk about her homework challenges because they are exhausted from their own demanding workdays. “I know it’s selfish of me, but I do wish that they could spend a little more time with me and try to hear what I have to say regarding school,” she says. “They’re very supportive with everything I do, but I wish they could be less dismissive because of how long their day was and try to be more understanding and just listen to me.”

The study habits that work best for them may not be the ones that worked for you.

Time management was always a struggle for Sally Sagarese’s two kids. The McLean mom remembers her daughter (now in college) doing everything at “the last minute, scrambling and trying to get the project done that had been on the calendar for two months.” Each of her kids benefited from working with a study coach in high school, though their needs were different. Her son, now 18, has dyslexia and physical challenges with handwriting, so the written planner that worked wonders for her daughter didn’t work for him. He opted for a digital version instead.

“Parents forget what it’s like to be learning all day,” she says, noting that most students are “cognitively gassed” by the time they get home. “The process of doing homework requires a lot of different executive skills, all of which are in a weakened state.” Parents may want their kids to get on top of homework or make a to-do list as soon as they walk in the door, but kids who are mentally tired might end up spending their remaining energy on that task rather than on their actual assignments.

That’s not to say that structure won’t help. “A big part of homework is making it contained,” Carpenter clarifies. “Have kids plan when they’re going to be doing homework and when they’re going to be hanging out with friends so that everything doesn’t blur together—so they’re not doing inefficient homework for six hours while they’re texting. Blocking time for all of these things is valuable.”

Rosen and Thoms both recommend a 24-hour weekly calendar in which kids can block out school and sleep time and see their available “work windows,” as well as where they have free time. This approach validates a child’s preferred activities, gives them a sense of control, and often preempts family fights. It also reduces anxiety for both parents and kids.

Plus, there’s a larger payoff. Finding an organizational system that works for your kid is part of “the bigger lesson that’s wrapped up in homework,” Carpenter says. “You’re helping them learn to prioritize their life and their work.”

The sheer volume of homework in high school is a beast.

“I wish my parents understood the amount of time that homework for each class takes in my day,” says Nina, the W-L senior. “Sometimes an assignment for one class can take up all my afternoon, especially if it’s for a research project.”

Nina says her parents, who grew up on another continent, never had as much homework growing up as she does now. She gets upset when they think she’s in her room watching movies or “messing around with her phone.” Having packed her schedule with advanced classes, she often stays after school to ask teachers for help, but says her parents think she’s just socializing.

Given her workload, Nina sometimes can’t attend family events or must leave early. She worries that her parents think she’s mismanaging her time. She senses their disapproval when she says, “I can’t go; I have homework.”

Maddie*, a Wakefield senior taking multiple AP classes, says her parents don’t always understand the hard choices she has to make. “Often I have to sacrifice quality to just get the quantity of work done,” she explains. “When they get frustrated with me for cutting corners on assignments, they don’t realize that it’s either that or not turn in some assignments at all.” Ultimately, she wants to be trusted to make her own decisions.

When it comes to crunch time, don’t assume procrastination is the culprit. “It’s very difficult to get homework done in advance,” says Aaron, a recent Wakefield graduate, now a freshman in college. “Teachers sometimes don’t even [post] assignments until the day they’re due, so it’s impossible to finish anything early.” He remembers one of his high school teachers assigning an essay at 1 p.m. on a Friday with a surprising midnight deadline. He had to skip movie night with his perturbed parents, who assumed he’d been goofing off and had waited until the last minute.

The online gradebook is a snapshot. Don’t freak out.

If you log in to your child’s Canvas or ParentVUE account and see a zero or a missing assignment, don’t panic. “Always having that accountability of the gradebook is not the way to go, and that’s how most parents handle communication,” Carpenter says. They check the portal, see something amiss and text their kid. “That’s incredibly anxiety producing. It interrupts the child’s day and makes them more anxious and less likely to want to talk about concerns.”

The online gradebook may not even be accurate if the teacher hasn’t had a chance to record a test score or update a grade. And teachers do occasionally make mistakes. Carpenter advises parents to keep their oversight “less micro and more macro.” If you see a clear downward trend over time, then it’s a good idea to ask broader questions, like How do you feel about your system of organization? Or, How do you feel about the amount of time you’re putting into homework?

“Kids tend to be pretty reflective and often will volunteer their ideas,” she says, and collaborative problem-solving is more impactful and long-lasting than “receipt/accountability conversations.”

University of Mary Washington’s Liss remembers being tempted to check her high school son’s grades often, even though her conscience told her to let him manage his own work. “I was having a hard time with his need to be autonomous,” she confesses. “I had to take my own advice from books I’ve written.”

Talking calmly, she and her son negotiated a way forward in which she promised to review only his interim and semester grades. “The fact that he knows I’m not checking—and I’m really not—means he has to check [them himself],” she says, which supports his growing independence.

Conversations about school are an opportunity to connect.

All parents want their kids to do well, find their bliss and succeed in life. Homework hounding almost always comes from a place of good intentions.

Tough conversations can easily become adversarial, but they can also have the opposite effect if parents approach them with an open mind. “When I interviewed children for my book, especially teenagers and middle schoolers, they told me they felt like their parents didn’t know who they were inside,” Kuczmarski says.

She urges parents to try to “establish the sort of talk that’s about anything, really—from the silly to the serious. Help [your kids] walk down unknown conversational paths when they’re trying to figure things out.” (Recognizing that our educational system rewards certain aptitudes and learning styles over others, she also encourages families to explore Howard Gardner’s Theory of Multiple Intelligences , but that’s a topic for another article.)

If the mere mention of the word homework is a sore subject in your house, consider setting aside a weekly or monthly discussion time so the topic doesn’t dominate every family meal. This may alleviate stress while fostering a more open dialogue. Encourage your kids to use the time to bring up any topics or concerns they have. Let them be the ones asking for advice if it’s needed. (Side note: This approach also works well for college applications.)

Above all, Liss says, kids need to hear this message from their parents: “I want you to do well, and I know you can do well, but I love you no matter how you do.”

Amy Brecount White co-raised three children in Arlington and now coaches high school seniors on writing their college essays.

*For privacy, the student names in this story are pseudonyms.

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Help Your Child Thrive: Back-To-School Homework Strategies

Orlando, Fla. (Ivanhoe Newswire) --- A study of the largest urban school districts in the U.S. found that students take an average of 112 standardized tests between Pre-K and 12th grade. While some students excel at test-taking, others can get stressed out.

A Washington Post study found high schoolers spend almost three hours a night studying, experts say the right environment is key.

“Students need to learn in a state that is optimal for learning,” said Demetrie Luke, Tutor and Founder of Inlighten Tutoring.

Be sure to study in a space without distractions. The more multi-tasking students do, the slower their brains process information. Next, find ways to motivate them.

“It’s not just consumable things, money or this or that. Sometimes it’s just once again, attention from a loved one, right?” explained Luke.

Encourage them to take practice tests. One study found students who had brief retrieval practice tests before a high-stakes test remembered 60 percent of the material, while those who only studied remembered 40 percent. A Texas A&M study found repeating information out loud moves content from short-term to long-term memory. Also, avoid all-nighters! Cognitive performance is controlled by our body clocks, meaning our learning and memory is higher in the morning, not at night. Instead, get a good night’s sleep and study in the morning.

And don’t forget to celebrate the wins.

“The more wins that we can build into young people studying, the more likely they are to show up for studying, right? A win can simply be, either words of affirmation or just even just acknowledgement,” said Luke.

Also try having your student teach the study material to you. Explaining it to someone else will help them remember it better, and if they’re struggling to remember something, have them look it up right away. Research shows spending too long trying to recall material can train their brains to struggle when answering a particular question.

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How Kids Should Spend the School Day, According to Experts

How long is a typical school day? How much time should kids spend attending school, doing homework, playing, and sleeping? Here’s what the experts recommend.

Attending Class

Doing homework, socializing with others, being with parents or caregivers, eating meals, being physically active, enjoying nature and the outdoors, using electronics, how to fit it all in.

Today's kids are busier than ever, dividing their time between school, activities , tutoring, and family time. When they're not busy with scheduled activities, kids must make time for homework, sleep , and personal care. And considering how long a typical school day is, it can be difficult to fit everything in.

Is there a way to balance it all and still provide some structure? Sure, making room for the priorities takes a little planning. Of course, flexibility is also important when it comes to time management. See how your child's schedule compares to others regarding key daily activities.

Parents / Sahara Borja

It may seem like your children spend all of their time at school. But while the average school day is just over six and a half hours long, there's a wide variance between the shortest and longest school days, contingent on individual state and district regulations.

The number of school days in a school year varies much less. According to the Pew Research Center, school days in different states range from 160 days in Colorado to 180 days in Hawaii.

This means kids are not in school for about 185 days or more a year, including weekends and breaks. On those days, kids can enjoy nature, spend time with family and friends, and exercise.

How Long Is a Typical School Day?

While state requirements for the amount of time school must be in session vary considerably from state to state, the typical school day for most kids in the United States is between six and seven hours. Depending on their age and where they live, students spend anywhere between three to seven hours a day in school, not counting transportation time or extracurricular activities.

How much time should kids spend on homework each day? A general rule among teachers is 10 minutes per grade level: 30 minutes per day for a third grader, 50 minutes for a fifth grader, and so on.

The time needed for homework really depends on the school's homework policy, the teacher's philosophy, and the type of coursework your child is taking. High school students taking AP courses might spend more time on homework than students in general education courses.

To keep your student on task during the school year, try establishing a schedule or block of time when homework will be completed.

Experts agree that school-age children need to have friends. Friends help children build social skills such as listening, sharing, and problem-solving. Through relationships with other children, children also learn how to handle their emotions.

Research doesn't dictate how much time children need to socialize with friends. What matters most is the quality of the friendships and whether or not the child is generally happy with their social time. Children or teens may have just a few friends or several friends.

Don't stress about spending quality time with your kids. Research from a large-scale longitudinal study on the effects of time with parents compared to child and teen outcomes had some surprising results.

The biggest takeaway is that time spent with a stressed-out and moody parent can decrease positive outcomes, while more time does not show a strong benefit. For this reason, it's important to be mindful of your family's moods.

It's also important not to put too much pressure on yourself when spending time as a family.

The amount of time a child needs to sleep varies according to their age. But every child, no matter their age, needs adequate sleep. Not getting enough sleep has been linked to falling asleep during school or missing school altogether.

What's more, kids who don't get enough sleep struggle to wake up in the mornings and have trouble learning or doing schoolwork. If you are concerned that your child is not getting enough sleep, learn what symptoms to watch for and what steps you can take to improve their sleep habits.

Most experts recommend 20 to 30 minutes to eat a meal and 10 to 15 minutes to eat a small snack. Keep in mind that even children's bodies need 20 minutes after eating before they begin to register feeling full.

Emphasize the importance of family meals to ensure your children have plenty of time to finish their food without feeling rushed and get adequate nutrition. This time gives your kids the nutrition they need and valuable time together as a family.

Moreover, regular family meals promote healthy eating and protect against childhood obesity. Ensure you select healthy options for your family and that electronics are turned off and away from the table.

According to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC), children should engage in 60 minutes of moderate to vigorous physical activity per day. Regular physical activity promotes health and fitness, lowers body fat, and strengthens bones.

Physical activity—which should consist of aerobic, muscle-strengthening, and bone-strengthening activities—also positively impacts a child's brain health. Studies have shown that exercise improves cognition and memory, enhances academic performance, and reduces symptoms of depression.

Kids exercising daily also sets them up for good health in adulthood. It reduces the likelihood that they will experience heart disease, obesity, and Type 2 diabetes . Plus, being physically active is a great stress reducer.

Many children spend much more time indoors than they did in previous generations. Various studies have linked this increase in indoor time to obesity and other health issues.

How much time outdoors should you aim for? The U.S. National Wildlife Federation suggests at least one hour a day. The American Academy of Pediatrics (AAP) also recommends 60 minutes of unstructured, free play (indoors or out) every day.

Getting your children outdoors can help them get in their physical activity and nature time. If you're short on ideas, try hiking on a local nature trail, taking a family bike ride, or tending a small container garden.

Overall, recommendations indicate that electronic media use for entertainment should be limited to about one hour on school days and that screens should be turned off 30-60 minutes before bedtime. Parents should ensure that this entertainment is high-quality and create screen-free zones (like the family dinner table) so children and teens learn to function without their devices.

It can be a challenge to meet all of these recommendations. One way to manage is to combine one or more activities to finish more quickly.

For instance, time outdoors in nature, away from electronic devices, can be combined with exercise and even time with same-age friends. Meanwhile, the time a child or teen needs to be engaged with a parent can be met by eating dinner together.

Establishing a daily plan or school year routine is the key to fitting in everything a child needs. Pre-planning or scheduling can also reduce parent stress, keeping the time you spend with your child positive.

As you plan your child's typical school day, try not to be too rigid. With the exception of sleep, you can be flexible about how your kids spend their time and tailor your routines to meet their specific needs.

The key is getting appropriate rest, attending school, and doing their homework. Socializing, time with family, physical activity, electronic use, and family meal times can be adapted as the days unfold.

In the U.S., 180 days of school is most common, but length of school day varies by state. Pew Research Center . 2023.

Childhood friendships and psychological difficulties in young adulthood: an 18-year follow-up study .  European Child and Adolescent Psychiatry . 2015.

Amount of time to eat lunch is associated with children's selection and consumption of school meal entrée, fruits, vegetables, and milk .  Journal of the Academy of Nutrition and Dietetics . 2016.

Youth Physical Activity Guidelines Toolkit. Centers for Disease Control and Prevention . 2017.

  The power of outdoor play and play in natural environments .  Childhood Education . 2016.

Connecting Kids and Nature. U.S. National Wildlife Federation . n.d.

Promoting Physical Activity. American Academy of Pediatrics . 2022.

Related Articles

Parents say Delta stranded their kids while they were flying alone

• In the wake of the CrowdStrike outage, Delta barred unaccompanied minors from flying.
• Two parents told Business Insider that meant their children were stranded.
• Delta said it made the call "to protect minors from being separated from their families."

Some parents say they were left scrambling to help their stranded kids after Delta Air Lines suddenly changed its policies as it grapples with extended delays and cancellations that stretched into the fourth day.

"It was about three hours of sheer panic," one of the parents, Cecilia Stone, told Business Insider.

Delta remains the hardest hit US airline in the wake of Friday's global CrowdStrike outage.

Delta has axed more than 5,000 flights in the past five days , and Secretary of Transportation Pete Buttigieg announced on X that the agency had opened an investigation into the airline to ensure it was "taking care of its passengers."

After the outage, Delta barred unaccompanied minors from traveling, a move its competitors have not implemented.

The airline initially paused unaccompanied minor travel through Sunday, The New York Times reported , but the company posted on its website that kids can't fly alone through Tuesday .

Frustration and panic

Joel Fortney, a serial entrepreneur and loyal Delta customer, said his 12-year-old daughter wasn't able to fly back home to Iowa after a two-week stay at summer camp in Maine on Friday.

The daughter remained calm as Fortney frantically tried to get his daughter home. "Ultimately, I had a 12-year-old just kind of floating," he told BI.

Fortney's daughter was able to stay overnight at a hotel with some of her camp counselors, he said, and then he rebooked her on a United flight to Chicago the next day — where he and his wife drove six hours to pick her up.

Fortney was able to get a refund for the unused portion of the Delta ticket, but said he "going to be shopping" for other airlines in the future.

Related stories

"I would never want this to happen to another family," he said. "It felt like a uniquely Delta decision and it really impacted people in a way that just didn't make any sense."

Stone, 39, said her son — a 17-year-old Navy Sea Cadet — was also stuck while trying to fly from a Salt Lake City training camp to his home in San Diego on Saturday.

Donald had a regular ticket, but as a minor was still not allowed to fly, Stone told BI. She said Delta didn't notify her of the change; she found out when her son called her after he couldn't check-in to his flight.

Stone immediately began calling other airlines, she said, none of which had any flights.

Hours later, Stone was able to find a Southwest flight to San Diego that evening.

"It was just incredibly frustrating," she said. "It boggled my mind that [Delta] thought that that was okay."

Delta told Business Insider in a statement that it stopped unaccompanied kids from traveling "to protect minors from being separated from their families and caregivers in the event of flight disruptions or cancellations."

"We take seriously the trust caregivers place in us with their children's travel, and sincerely apologize that that trust was compromised through confusion around the embargo," the airline said, adding teams were working to keep customers updated and to make things right for affected customers.

Stone said she hasn't received a refund yet. She plans to "steer clear of Delta Airlines altogether" in the future.

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